Emery, the eater.

I was under the assumption that with your second kid you would first laugh about all the paranoid things you did with your first born like clean the fallen pacifier and never let them get dirty; you’d continue to do all the “good stuff” you did for you first and then just do better for the things you knew you kind of sucked at round one. So for me it was a no brainer…of course I would make all Emery’s baby food. But this time I’d kick it up a notch and add spices and blend more together and have a five star restaurant in the form of frozen pureed baby food lining my freezer. Well, then life happened, and that was so completely not the case. I has reading up on Baby Led Weaning and thought that was a pretty good idea (when explaining to my mother she simply said “like we all used to do when you were little”….well yes mom, except not the part about us gumming on McDonalds hamburgers at 6 months old in the backseat) so entering his sixth month I picked up a banana and avocado. We diced up the avocado and set it on the tray; he slid them around in his mouth then out they went. Maybe he swallowed a few, maybe. We tried that a couple nights and then the banana which yielded similar results. Well dang, that was the plan.

Strolling Target one day I decided to pick up a few of those organic pouches they offer for babies 4 months through toddler years to see if maybe he’d enjoy some good ol’ mush before finger foods. You know, I’d let him sample the options before making big batches. The pouches went over much better and before I knew it I was loading them in my cart every trip because he wasn’t finished sampling every fruit or veggie under the sun and OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER. The time I bought the organic produce myself, diced it up, cooked it, pureed it, froze it, yadda yadda yadda it was not worth my time. And by the way making baby food is so stinking easy and accessible and rewarding yet here I was telling myself I’d start next week. Well weeks piled into more weeks and by this time we gone back to more finger foods (turns out four months later he still doesn’t like banana and avocado) and then the whole thing just turned silly. Caroline; why are you making yourself feel like a failure when you’re feeding your child organic produce and nursing like a champ? When he’s thriving and growing and happy and life is all good? Have I defined the definition of Mom guilt yet?

So here we are in our tenth month and Emery pretty much eats a small amount of whatever we eat. Although I have noticed we eat a lot of raw vegetables or Brussels sprout which are too hard for him but I try to give him softer veggies at different times of the day. He loves meats and rice and gluten free waffles or sprouted toast with puree spread on top. He still nurses all day and all night (No! Sleeping through the night! Ever!) but I’m totally okay with that because these are the good ol’ crazy baby days.

Parenting is one big foot in your mouth, am I right?

 

 

 

 

 

Blink, we're here.

It was a silent wave that crushed me when I pulled up the archives. There he was; those big blue eyes and blond hair staring back at me. The mindless words I typed over four years ago are now treasured memories and I'm high fiving myself for hitting publish. So now my poor second child has iPhone Notes app to thank for the very small blips of information I thought to write down while nursing. I won't regret a moment because life has been pretty incredible blogging or not however I won't second guess myself next time I want to pause and publish.

September 14th: Emery was away from me for 5 hours and did great while we enjoyed a football game with dear friends who came into town.

September he started enjoying his exercauser and loves finding his toy hanging on his play mat then bite on them. Extreme drooler just like his brother!

End of December we decided enough was enough and it was time to sleep train! Yeah yeah yeah we let our kid cry it out in return for some much needed structure and SANITY within our house. It's been over a month and there are still nights we are working on it but for the most parts after a week he had got into a rhythm. Hoping to write more on this later!

Mid January started to crawl, intense burst of separation anxiety, eating baby food of all variety but no chunks yet. Sleep training success has been rough after a small sick bout but we are slowing getting our structure back. Always gives Davy a big smile then sticks his tongue out at him; it's their thing. Chews on everything like he teething but still no teeth! Nursing like a champ and mom is still his number one :)

And there you have; the smallest snapshot of Emery's life so far.

Half a year deep.

Life has formed into this predictable scattered beautiful mess. There are so many times I’m laying in bed playing out blog posts in my head and begging myself to carve out time to write and then I wake up and the thoughts have vanished. A benefit of working full time is that I used to have so much time to think; think in the quite of my office then quickly open up a document and write. And now? The most screen time I see is through my iPhone!

I used to think I’d have so much time to conquer ALL THE THINGS but some days when Davy asks me what we did I have to admit not much of anything. Not much of anything always includes throwing everyone together for preschool drop off, running errands, picking Moses up from preschool, making his lunch, making my lunch, eventually eating my lunch, rest time, nap time, cleaning the house, play time, cooking dinner, and then a dozen feedings and diaper changes in between. The day I just described I love but someday I get down on myself for not fitting in five more things on my to do list. I’m learning how to not regret living my life and sometimes that includes talking to my mom on her couch for two hours or strolling through Target.  I’m also learning what my priorities are for each season in my life. And also am I at my goal weight? No. Do my kids know I love them? You bet! Balance; so much strange balance.

Emery turned six months old on the 14^th and I really just hated it. With your first child it’s all about the milestones and the excitement their growth and development brings. With your second you’re literally begging for time to slow down and you know they will never ever be little again. He sits like a pro, would rather have a non toy over bright chew-friendly toy any day, and loves his Mamma. Oh boy does he love me; and I say this half heart happy and half oh my gosh I’ve created a monster! Seeing as we spend almost every waking hour together we’ve formed a rather tight bond and well lets just say if an hour goes by and I’m not back he’s not very happy about it! Thankfully Davy comes in close second and they do great together so I can slip away when needed. Another thing about milestones and second kids; you don’t really care! I’ve yet to look in a baby book and make sure he was hitting his marks yet at his 6 months appointment he was right on track. It took him a long time to roll over compared to Moses (Mo was a stomach sleeper and Em was a swaddled back sleeper) but there was not one part of me that thought what if he’s two and still can’t roll over!

He’s generally a very pleasant baby; he’ll sit and play for a while then fall over and play on his stomach then do the 360 turning scoot and play with whatever else he can find then maybe whine for me to come move him. The only small (okay huge) downside is his sleep or should I say lack of sleep. He was sleeping six hour stretches then they went to four to three and not it seems like we are up several times a night. I’ve started to dread bedtime and every few days I think I may loose it over the lack of sleep but then he wakes up with a big smile and all is well again. I know what we should be doing but yadda yadda excuses excuses neither of us sleep much (side note as I’m writing this he is laying on the floor talking up a storm of babble and smiling at me as if he knows I’m talking about him).

As you can see from the pictures he’s got a noggin fit for a toddler and eyes to match; oh those big brown eyes! 9 out of 10 times stranger mention how big and beautiful his eyes are and I happily agree. Funny how I used to wonder what he would look like and now I get to stare at him all day! My newest curiosities are what will he look like as a toddler, what will his personality be like, and can I handle it if I’ve got another goof troop on my hands.

And since we are talking about growth and development I’ll throw in an update on Big Brother Moses. The questions? They’ve never stopped and my guess is they won’t until he thinks he knows more than us (so what is that…9 more years?)! He loves school and learning but right now everything is a race to the finish. He’s hitting all his school milestones and his memory is still incredible; he can quickly spout off 1-100, months of the year, countdowns, school songs, and recall a moment we shared two years ago! Aside from milestones he is still such a social butterfly! I’ve talked about it on Instragram but he has a steady girlfriend at school and when I asked why she was a girlfriend and not just a friend girl he told me because he just loves her so much. He’s also into playing tag and wrestling dad and being a typical (almost) five year old.

I’ve have so much more I want to share, mostly about the last few months, but my slice of silence is over and I’ve got big brown eyes that won’t stop staring at me!

On living life.

Been a while, wouldn't you say? To put it in a very small nutshell; I've been living my life and avoiding this blog because it feels like a big black hole. After seeing a fellow blogger's life being stolen from her by finding out someone was stealing all her photos and essentially pretending to be her really made me pause before spilling every last detail on the internet.

Then I read this:

My Girl Thursday was such a huge part of my life for years. I spent every single spare moment on it. Unfortunately I stole a lot of other moments away from other parts of my life. Time and energy that would have been better invested elsewhere. I found myself feeling tired, grouchy (because I was tired), overextended, out of touch and always (always) lacking. And for what? Seriously, what was all of that effort for? Free shoes. A few bucks. Ego stroking. Or to put it less pessimistically - as sense of belonging, acceptance and even popularity. Those were not feelings I have come by very often in my life and I have to admit that I was addicted. Plus, the only trade off was that I had to forfeit almost all of my quality time with my family (or make a bloggable moment out of any of those aforementioned moments).

 

Reading this was confirmation to myself that it was okay if the blog was put on the back burner because I know I am still living life and it's okay if the rest of the internet didn't hear about it. I hadn't got to this point she was at but if spending time on the blog took away from any part of my life then it wasn't worth it.

So here I am; it's taken months to find the right moment to get back in the water and I'm doing it one toe at a time. So if you don't hear from me for weeks, it's because I'm smiling back at the squishy baby in front of me. Or making two dozen eggs for farm day at Preschool. Or laying on the couch savoring 30 minutes to myself when quite time is happening around here.

See you soon? Or maybe in 5 weeks? 

The first installment {#52weeksofEmery}

It's hard to believe 8 weeks ago we were snuggled in our hospital bed wondering what life would be like with him...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#52weeksofEmery from my Instagram

Here we are.

This day has been four and a half years in the making; it's consisted of many tears, pumping sessions, guilt, organization, frustration, and joy. When Moses was born there was no discussion because the possibility of making it work was zilch so six weeks post partum I was kissing him goodbye. We'd wake up early and get home late; I learned the art of cramming every errand into a lunch hour and meal planning with my crock pot became a necessity. When talks came of adding another child to our bunch I was adamant there was no way I could leave my baby again not to mention practically working just to pay the daycare fees (hello mortgage payment!). But months turned into years and the situation didn't look like it was ever going to change so we trusted the Lord knew better than us and we became pregnant. As you may recall this past year Davy also started The Worst Job Ever and there were many frustrating conversations along with the making of many spreadsheets and saying things like well we'll just never eat out again only to come to the conclusion this budget probably won't work. But then God made the impossible possible and provided a new incredible job for Davy and for the first time ever there was a glimmer of hope that we could make this work. This great job opportunity only got better and better and better so much so we would giggle and think how is this even possible... we are so blessed. As you may recall from the photo I posted on Instagram weeks ago saying I want to remember this moment forever and that's because it was my first day as a stay at home mom.

　
Even writing this weeks later it still brings bubbling tears because I'm so incredibly grateful.... I am a stay at home mom.

　
So that's life as of lately! People told me things like you're going to go stir crazy or it's so frustrating but honestly I'm still riding on cloud nine loving my new job. I'm finding it humorously strange to have all day to do house chores whereas I used to fit everything into two hours at night. On that same note sometimes with two kids it takes all day just to do a couple loads of laundry!

No real routine has been established yet and I am perfectly okay with that because we are just enjoying the summer: I still catch myself riding down the road on a Tuesday afternoon and thinking WOW normally I would be working but I'm not and won't be...this isn't maternity leave...this is life! As Emery has gotten older it has been easier to do a few play dates with friends and I can't wait to do more!

  
 

Emery's Birth Story

Something about going into our 41 week appointment Monday May 13th and hearing I was still 3 cm and nothing had changed made me relax. I wasn't happy to agree to an induction Friday and I wasn't too excited about spending another week twiddling my thumbs but somehow in our minds it calmed things. Monday night came around and I went to bed per usual only to be woken around 2:30am with a contraction. I'd been feeling contractions for weeks but I knew immediately this lower ab cramp like contraction was labor. I waited and sure enough another then another came. I shut my eyes and tried desperately to get rest because if this was going to be anything like Moses' birth I needed rest. Every 7 min I was back to concentrated breathing and then the bathroom trips started. Contractions bounced from 5 to 3 min apart for most of the morning. Around 5am I was on all fours in the bed trying a new position to work through a contraction when Davy rolls over and noticed; very excitedly he asked "are you in labor?!" and I couldn't lie "yes, but go back to sleep and relax"....yeah right. I could see his mind wheeling and we hugged and giggled and tried to chill out. My goal was for Moses to wake up naturally for school, get him out the door, and then head to the hospital.

Things started to pick up and by the time Moses woke I was hiding during contractions so he wasn't alarmed. By 7:15am I was asking Davy how much longer before they got out of the house aka how much longer before we can go to the hospital. Before Moses left we got to sit him down and share with him today was the day Baby Brother was coming; to say he was excited was an understatement. To be able to understand that when he got picked up from school he would get to meet him was so much fun for him to think about and made our hearts swell. 

At 8am we were checking into triage and by 8:30am I was hearing the nurse's surprising voice as she couldn't believe I was already 6cm and extremely favorable. At that time she asked about pain management and after a slight waiver of pure fear of the unknown I told her I wanted nothing. She left and I cried; cried because 1. this just got real 2. I was actually attempting unmedicated birth 3. finally.

Once we got settled into our room our nurse Joanna walked us through some checks that needed to be done and once we shared I wanted to go unmedicated she turned on her crunchy side and was 100% supportive the entire time. For the next two hours I labored in the shower, walked around, and sat on the birth ball.

 

I was surprised to find that during contractions I didn't want anyone to speak a word and the only comfort I needed was Davy's hand to squeeze. Between contractions I came back to earth fully aware and able to hold conversations, laugh, and feel normal; such a difference between last time when I felt so much was out of my control. I even fell asleep on the birth ball leaning onto the bed at 8cm during a set of contractions which I didn't even know was possible.

Around 11:30am Jane, my midwife, checked to find I was 8cm with a very bulging bag; we decided we could wait until it broke naturally or she could break it and most likely I could start pushing so I went for the 2nd option because at this point a few more intense contractions were worth the few minuets her breaking it would shave off. Once waters were broken she said I was welcome to start pushing on the next contraction. Wait a minuet, is this a joke? I was so surprised that we were here; we were to the pushing stage and I'd come this far is such a short time and more importantly I wasn't freaking out! Jane sat on the side of the bed with Davy to my left and the nurse on my right and I started pushing.

The ring of fire is exactly how it sounds and ouch, it burned! Two contractions in they made it sound like he was practically out and I was able to feel the top of his head. Between the excitement, the adrenalin, and the burning I was able to push him out two contractions later.

At 11:52am our Emery Shepherd was here!
9 pounds 13 ounces 21 inches long!

 

It was surreal; he was here, perfectly healthy, sitting on my chest...all before lunchtime.

After we got settled into our room our first visitor was Big Brother Moses which is exactly how I wanted it. He came into the room and almost immediately wanted to know where the surprise was that Emery had mentioned in the letter "he wrote" to him that day. After opening his Big Brother present he started to become more interested and the rest is history. The touching, the kissing, the more kissing, the holding, the loving.

 

As first time parents there were lots of tears; fear of the unknown, fear he would die in his sleep, fear we weren't doing things right. This time around we were ol' pros and even found ourselves twiddling our thumbs Wednesday ready to go home. Here are a few more pictures of our hospital stay and our very chunky (who doesn't even look chunky today!) boy in his going home outfit.

 

God is so good and we are so blessed. To be given Moses to raise and love was enough to last a lifetime so to have Emery is like icing on the cake; our wonderful family of four.