160.

One hundred and sixty beats a minute and all was well in the world. Yesterday we had our first baby appointment. I should have taken my own advice weeks ago and got off the dang baby community boards because I was officially having anxiety for days leading up to the appointment; what is the sac was empty? What if there was no heartbeat? What if I can’t trust Gods plan even after telling myself 1,000 times to relax? In all honesty this is the justified reason I’ve come up with; because so much love is riding on this. When we had Moses we were young and scared and had no idea how it would feel loving your child; how your heart could burst open with so much joy. But now we know and we want so desperately to be able to love this little one outside of the womb.

For those who have gone down baby lane know the first appointment is the longest possible one in history just in case you needed an hour and a half more to worry until you get to have the ultrasound.  Fun fact: also my first time “seeing the light” while getting my blood drawn....all the way down to the loud ringing in your ears, inability to open your eyes, slumping down into the chair, and then soaking your clothes with sweat.  Just in case people didn’t know I was there, they did now. But you know what? None of it mattered once we saw the perfect sac, our perfect baby, and that perfect heartbeat.

You made beautiful things out of dust

And in only the most perfect way He knows how to create people out of love.  Our little love bean flickering away in there while we sit plastered with smiles on our faces.

Jesus Freak.

Riding around in the car while growing up I remember blaring DC Talk and Point of Grace and singing at the top of our lungs. Putting Jesus Freak on repeat over and over while dancing around cleaning the house. I remember going to what felt like every church event ever held on top of Wednesday night bible study and Sunday church. When we got hurt my mom prayed we would feel better; when my mom couldn’t find her keys she prayed God would help her remember where she put them. For Halloween I wasn’t dressed as a ghost worrying about needles in candy but I was at church dressed in some ridiculously clever biblical costume my mom designed. My mom was sold out for the Lord and did everything she could to teach her daughters the same. At what price did she leave the judgment of the world at the door and stand tall for what was right for her family? I’m sure there was much cooler music she could have been listening to and I’m sure there were times she wanted a big fat glass of wine after a hard day but she put her what was most important to her first and that was her relationship with Christ and instilling Christ in our lives.

You know how it’s true that you never understand your parents love until you become a parent yourself…I’m pretty sure that’s reinstated 12 different ways as you grow as a parent. The selflessness, the sacrifice, the commitment it takes every single day. I’m blown away by my mother’s love and not only teaching us biblical truth but being a living example. Proudly, a Jesus Freak.

All my delight is in you, Lord.

Surreal, but in a wonderfully incredibly happy way; this is finally happening! I was reading someone else’s blog and they talked about having a Bible verse they clung to during each of their pregnancies; I hadn’t thought much about it again until the day I tested and officially knew. I unofficially knew days before because sore parts of my body screamed something is different!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 37:4

It hit me like a ton of bricks, like God washed over me with peace and joy; you’ve delighted in Me and here is one of the biggest desires in your life. Bam. Boom. It’s happening.

How I’m feeling: weird. I want to skip hop jump and be myself but I’ve been feeling blah for days now. Lost my drive to exercise and I’m super tired especially at night. Emotionally I’m slightly disconnected but trying desperately to get it together. I don’t want to be hormonal or unavailable emotionally so I’m hoping this is just a wave. Speak of waves, I’ve been getting waves of nausea at night which are not fun in the slightest.

How I’m acting: like I have a big secret and I’m scared to talk to anyone in fear they will guess. So silly, I know, because we’re ecstatic and want to tell people…just not yet.

Because I can’t talk to anyone during the day about this I’ve turned to some baby communities online to check in and chat with other ladies which have turned out to be maybe not the best idea. I feel like communities either have 1. Women who’ve been trying for so long and talk the initial lingo like perfect English (AF, BFP, BFN, BB, ect, ect, WTH?) or 2. Women who have it all together and all planned out and giving baby names at 4 weeks or 3. Sad stories and extreme nervousness. Number three is the worst; I can’t live like that. I have to trust that God has a plan and I have to put my trust in Him daily. If I were to start reading or worrying too much I would make myself sick. This baby is God’s and He has literally gifted to Davy and I to take care of on Earth—so why freak out when he already knows every minute detail of this baby’s life?

Vacationing {as parents}

This is pretty much how it goes vacationing post children.

Week of: packing lists, don’t forget his special bedtime book for Grammy’s house.

Day of: WAA HOOO vacation time!! Can’t wait to be on the road, have a weekend away, waa hooo. Peace out Moses, love you! Kiss kiss, be good, bye bye.

Vacation day 1: We have arrived!! Look at all the shops! Look at all the people! King size bed on the top floor, cha ching! I love the view, I love this town, I love you hubby. Try to connect with all the other friends arriving for the destination wedding weekend.  Eat yummy overprice lunch food. Shop at the Gap even though we have one it’s just more fun that it’s standing alone on a street full of other cool shops. Shop some more. Eat some more ($3.5 cupcakes to be exact). Straighten hair, redo makeup, and get all ready for the ghost tour. Vacation!!

Vacation day 2: 815am and we’re both wide awake staring at each other like what the heck do you do after you sleep in til 8? Hold hands, smile because there is 80% less people on the streets, and find Starbucks. Starbucks next to Panera? Breakfast heaven. Time to get ready for event #2; ugh—yeah not going to straighten my hair because I’m lazy. Back from event, laying on the bed, wahh I don’t want to move because I’m on vacationnnn.  My feet hurt from last night. Time to get ready for event #3? The wedding ? Crap, I have to do the whole get ready again? Yoga pants are not okay? Hello dry shampoo. Wake it up—it’s go time.  Wedding emotion is incredible. The event itself is spectacular. I love all the love. It’s 10pm and I’m exhausted. I’m so old. We both agree- we miss Moses

Vacation day 3: We get to see Moses today!! Pack our bags, get frustrated at everyone else taking over Starbucks (how dare they!), and get on the road. Sleep, sing, and argue over who gets to hug Moses first. I explain I’m going to hug kiss hug hug kiss kiss kiss squeeze his tooshie and hug some more.

Post vacation: laundry, laundry, publix, laundry, waahhh I wish we were still on vacation. Let’s call in sick tomorrow suggests Davy. Let’s have a family day. Must work. In bed at ten.

Watch out, life is crazy post children…you just wait!