twentysix.

One week today. It doesn’t feel like the worst Friday in the world happened 7 days ago. The weekend flew by and so has the week. It’s starting to sink in, but not fully. I know as certain events come up (birthdays, anniversaries, the wedding) his presence will be missed much more. It’s hard to see grieving family and not be able to reach out and make it better. It takes time, but I wish I had a time machine and could make it all better. One things for sure, he will never be forgotten .

Everyone seems to be leaving us. Not only death, but moving away. I think it’s actually starting to sink in that two of my best friends are moving away. I don’t get much hang out time as it is, but when I do, I like to spend it with them. I know I can always call them, but seeing them and hearing their day to day personalities I’m going to miss terribly. I think I’m going to miss Melissa more because I know she’s not coming back. Back to visit, but she will never live across town again. Then there is always the possibility she will be in another country. People are moving on and moving away and I’m still here. In Tallahassee, stagnant. I do not have a problem with living here; I love being surrounded by family, but friends are starting to become sparse.

I’ve needed to portrait something recently and I could never find a way to express it until now. The other day I was blog surfing and came across the perfect excerpt. A new mom was saying she was not feeling complacent, and that’s exactly how I feel. Let me first give a disclaimer that I’m not a depressed unhappy person. I love my family, my husband, my baby, but at the same time I’m feeling lost of my own self identity. I’ve got into a grove of day to day life and pushed Caroline aside. I don’t feel life needs to be all about me, but at the same time I need to make sure I still feel like myself, and be able to define who ‘myself’ is. I’m a wife, a mom, student, a coworker, but who am I when I’m alone? What do I enjoy doing? It’s complicated because I’m not necessarily trying to find hobbies to fill my free time, but fine simple day to day things that define me, and make me happy. I want the inside to be bursting outward. When my children are grown or don’t “need me” anymore I don’t want to be walking around aimlessly having a mid life crisis. I want to be satisfied with my relationship with the Lord, my husband, my friends, my family. I want to know them and for them to know me.

Speaking of hobbies, I think Davy and I are going to take a beginners dance class. It’s just a 5 session class that teaches the basics of different dance genres. We are doing it solely to not look like idiots on our wedding day. We can “booty” dance, but that’s about it. I want us to look somewhat graceful during the slow songs. And if I enjoy it, I might even take up personal lessons for some outside enjoyment. I pass a dance studio every day after work and love watching the people dancing. I want to branch out and I think it’s a good way to try something new.

Speaking of new (wow, that is getting long), here is some stuff Moses is doing lately:
1. blows “raspberries” aka toot noises on any bare skin he can find! I’ll be holding him and all the sudden this loud embarrassing noise comes sounding off my arm. He thinks it’s so funny!
2. puts his lips in “whisle form” for no reason at all. He will make an “o” with his lips and just look at you. I’m not sure if he is just gaining control of those muscles or the wind in his mouth feels foreign to him, but he does it all the time now.
3. eating plenty of baby food. I started making my own food and he seems to enjoy everything I’ve mashed up so far. We have not tried any table food yet because I’m too afraid he will choke, but in time he will be eating everything I’m sure.
4. stands up by himself for long periods of time. Before we would have to hold him up then let go of his hands to make him stand alone, but now he will just crawl up to something, stand up, then let go.
5. he claps all the time. I tried to “Pavlov dog” him into every time I say “yay” he claps, and for the most part it works. He will even stand stationary and clap…it’s adorable!
6. he will be 8 months old next week and I’m shocked! I will continue to say it for the rest of his life, but he’s growing up so fast.

twentyfive.

A peace that surpasses all understanding.
Today, standing in the kitchen washing a sink full of dishes, I understood that saying for the first time in my life. Surpassing all understanding, meaning I don’t understand. A peace, which I don’t get, is going beyond everything I don’t understand and calming me. Not that it’s not sad, not that I haven’t mourned or cried, but inside there is a peace. People say the cliché phrases like “he’s in a better place” and “he’s at peace”, but he truly is no longer suffering here on earth. No one knows his heart, I pray his heart was softened into eternity, but at least he is no longer fighting every day to be here on earth.
All the preparation and talking doesn’t matter when I’m sitting in the fax room and here Davy’s voice on the other end. So many times I played out that phone conversation in my head, imaging how I would feel and what we would do. When the actual phone call came I didn’t think it would be “the call”…. It was.
Today it’s easier, easier for everyone. It comes in waves. The pictures aren’t getting me as much as the memories. When I think about what is actually happening, it gets me. Right now it’s still so fresh. So many people, and so much food, o the constant state of fullness! Monday will be tough, next week when something reminds me of him and I bust into tears will be hard, but eventually this abnormal will start to sound more normal. The previous sentence doesn’t even make sense yet!
I know he’s not in pain, but I still miss him. The pain is knowing he won’t be at the house tomorrow, or next week. He won’t be in a tux in November or on the bench at Moses’ little league games. I have to think on a non selfish level and understand he was hurting so much; to wish he would continue on (in pain) would only cause me joy.
I know this is super sad. I wasn’t trying to be sad. I definitely don’t want to go into anything morbid. I don’t want to offend or upset, I just felt like opening up. I’m not blogging because I’m trying to push it deep down or not share in person- I just needed to be honest and open tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new wave.

twentyfour.

I want to take more pictures. I love photography. I used to take more creative pictures and enjoy photoshopping. Once everyone around me got more involved and became more skilled than me, I kind of lost my love for it. I guess I just started to enjoy looking and lusting after theirs and not even bother trying to pull out my camera. I was browsing blogs and saw someone who took a picture of their little kid at each “month” birthday in a cute numbered onsie and I wish I would have done that! I still regret not getting those newborn shots of Moses, although I was such a emotional mess I don’t know how I would have been able to handle it. I need to get back into it. Even if it’s just snapping one each day or capturing the littlest moment, it needs to happen. I have so many I’ve never posted or touched because I’m so obsessed with finishing them just right I get too distracted and overwhelmed at the project. I’m promising myself by next Friday I will have uploaded, minimally touched up, and printed new pictures! Mark my words!
P.S. Moses got some 6 month pictures taken my aunty Sarah that I need to get and post. I was so mad he was at the beginning of being sick/not sleeping so he wasn’t very happy and smiley like he normally is, but his shirt is just so dang cute I hope at least one turned out!
P.P.S. I have the BEST photo wall art project I’m going to tackle once Wedding planning is out of the way ( I say it like I don’t LOVE IT). It will take planning and time and decent money, and the last thing I want is to rush it. O I can’t wait to post picture of it next year ; )

twentythree.

Moses finally ate food!!!!!! FINALLY!!
I felt like this day would never come. All the times we’ve tried for the past 8 or so weeks felt like a big fail when he would tighten his lips and reject everything. We had tried everything, and nothing would go down. Well Friday night while at Target I ventured down the baby food isle once again and decided on a couple new flavors. So far Moses has not like the green beans, sweet potatoes, rice cereal, or bananas (except for the one time fluke he ate a couple bites). They offer 10 different options for the Stage 1 so I was limited to my selection. I picked up squash and carrots. Saturday morning I decided to try yet again the failure of feeding. I opened up the carrots, didn’t mix with anything in fear it was just a waste, and gave it a try. Sure enough he opened his mouth, I loaded in the carrots, and he swallowed with no funny faces. I then did it again, and again, and again… Moses decided he was going to enjoy his carrots Saturday, twice! Once for breakfast and once again at dinner time. I was so worried he would never get here, and like always, he did things on his own time! I was even more surprised that none of it was spit up and his poop cycle seems to be pretty normal still. Just for kicks last night I mixed him up some rice cereal and he decided he would eat a little bit of that too! In all my excitement I’ve bought all 10 Stage 1 food so we can try something new each week. Eventually I plan on making my own food, but for now, while he’s starting out (and I’m too stressed to think of a new project), he’s enjoying Gerbers!

twentytwo.

To move to another rental in October or not?
To buy a house next year or not?
To buy a new car in the next year or not?
To guarantee I won’t be able to be a stay home mom in the next 5 years or not?
When to have another child…. Or not (due to financial binding)?

So many questions! I love having adult money but I hate when it comes down to many important decisions not knowing the future! I guess no one can really “know the future” but it would be nice to understand the direction or things before leaping (or signing) into something so serious! If we decide to not save for a new car and my car breaks, then what? If we decide to buy a house but 1 income will never pay for everything, then what? All the “then what’s” stop me before we’ve even begun. I know I need to TRUST everything will work out, but I also know we need to feel peace and make some kind of decision in the near future. I never thought about buying a house until 1 day it popped in our heads “why are we spending 9,000 a year for no reason” why not put money into a mortgage to own? And of course all these serious questions come up only 4 months away from the wedding…. Like I don’t already have enough to think about and plan!

Things we do know:
1. Our lease is up in October, we need to decide in the next 2 months if we are going to sign another year long lease.
2. We do want to add onto our family in the next 5 years

Things we don’t know:
EVERYTHING ELSE! J

Moses will be 7 months on Wednesday. I’ll say it every month, but I can’t believe he’s that old! I feel like everything past 6 months isn’t “baby” baby anymore! Before I know it he’ll be 1!
Things 7 month old Moses does:
- Crawls…. Everywhere! He’s pretty fast, especially when he gets excited to see you!
- Climbs over toys, people and whatever stands in his way. its so funny to watch him maneuver around objects to get to where he’s going. He has no fear of the other side when climbing up something.
- Pulls up on everything, including the wall. I feel bad for the top of his foot because he will put his hands on the wall and just walk right up to a standing position… I guess because he’s so young it doesn’t hurt his ankles
- Stands for a while and shifts to where he wants to stand
- Reaches for toys while standing. I’m shocked how good his balance is when he wants something. He will stand holding onto the ottoman, slowly bend his body to the side, pick up his toy, and then stand straight again to bring his toy to the ottoman. I love how independent he’s become in some areas!
This 7 month Moses doesn’t do:
- Eat ANY food. I’m talking rice cereal, any fruit puree or vegetable puree! We try, and we try, and we try a different way, or food, or cereal… but nothing! I’m not too worried since he’s in the 90% percentile for height/ weight… but it would make life so much more adventurous if he wasn’t anything besides the breast!
- Sleep through the night/ sleep for a long period of time. Moses is the king of short naps and late nights! Most nights going to bed at 11pm is a treat! He stays up as late at 12:30 even if he’s acting exhausted. He gets back up in the middle of the night and then back up normally before 7. We’ve been working on some different methods, but he’s just not a sleeper.
Maybe once food comes then longer sleep cycles will start. That’s what I’m praying for!