fifteen.

I’m not ready for him to go. I’ve only been a daughter-in-law for 5 months, I’m not ready to say goodbye. Moses hasn’t even said Grandpa yet, he hasn’t even seen Moses and Alex play T ball or baseball. He hasn’t seen Davy all dressed up in his tux or all his grandkids. I knew the cancer would take him one day, but I thought we had more time. I want to have more time. I’m not ready. And as much as I’m not ready, I can’t imagine how he feels. Knowing this is nearing the end, this will kill him and it’s only a matter or time. I don’t understand why God does this to people. How can people want to say You are Lord and you’re in charge at the same time the cancer is eating away their body. If anything this makes angry towards God because they don’t understand, I don’t understand. I’m not ready. I’ve been prepping myself saying things like when not if but now that the end is nearing inside feels like a mess. Not only am I not ready for this day to come, but I’m not ready for the days to follow. How is this going to affect the family? Will people ever be able to bounce back? Be okay after X amount of time… I’m not ready. Is it time for him to accept Him? Not that I can even comprehend forever, but I don’t want to think I’ll forever never see him again…. I’m not ready, but maybe He is?

fourteen.

Two weekends ago we went to Destin to stay with my mom and little sister for her spring break. Moses hates the car so much we were really anxious about the 2 ½ hour car ride! We spoke with a doctor friend of ours who told us a little medicine cocktail to give him that would make him sleep like a baby. We felt really guilty for drugging him but knew if we didn’t he would just be miserable for hours. The cocktail worked and we had a sleeping baby the entire way to Destin. The weather wasn’t the best, lots of wind and chilly at times, so we never made it down to the beach with Moses. He did however get into the pool for the first time! The water was freezing but he didn’t seem to mind. We played in the pool for just a few minutes and then back upstairs to get warm. The condo had a big whirlpool so with our bathing suits still on we got into the tub and turned the jets on. Moses loved the “warm pool” and just leaned back and floated until his fingers pruned! Overall the weekend was fun and I can’t wait to take more beach adventures this summer when he’s old enough to face the windy beach! (I know I’m almost two weekends behind, but I’ll catch up soon with more pictures!

thirteen.

Today I’m feeling bummed. Bummed that I’m not at the park or on a play date with Moses. I think reading Matt Logelin’s blog too much has caused me to become sad of all the moments I’m missing with Moses. Watching him play with Verity at church yesterday was the first time I’ve ever seen him interact with another baby and I wish I could give him so many more of those play times. I know he’s in good hands, and he sees Beau (8 months old) twice a week at Danyell’s, but I just wish I could be more of a mother. I understand why I need to work, I get it, but am I put in this situation and not the same situation as so many of my other peers who get to be stay home moms…. Even part time stay at home mom would satisfy me. Would if we don’t have anymore kids and this is the only time I’m ever going to experience our child at age 3 months and 1 day? Today I’m feeling bummed.
On a different note, things I’m looking forward to. July 4th weekend going to the family reunion. The family seems to mesh well, as long as we all keep our respective distance after a day or so- so the idea of having all the husbands and kids coming to the reunion is going to be so much fun. Plus I’ve never been (or at least don’t remember) Nashville, hopefully we can find some extra activities to do besides reunion planned events. I’m also really excited about Mother’s Day next month! I remember last Mother’s Day only being a 10 or so weeks along and no one really knew so when they had all the moms stand up to be honored at church, I thought about it, but didn’t dare make it known yet. So this year I can’t wait to proudly stand as it being my first official Mother’s Day. And the last thing, which seems like so far away, is the wedding in November! We have been talking about it for so long already, but so much of the planning and deposits and finalizing has to be done! And then what comes after the wedding, the cruise! Oh I need to chill out because we still have 6 months, but I’m SO EXCITED about everything coming up!
I need to seriously jump drive some pictures from my laptop to add to these blogs, Moses is cuter than ever!