Blink, we're here.

It was a silent wave that crushed me when I pulled up the archives. There he was; those big blue eyes and blond hair staring back at me. The mindless words I typed over four years ago are now treasured memories and I'm high fiving myself for hitting publish. So now my poor second child has iPhone Notes app to thank for the very small blips of information I thought to write down while nursing. I won't regret a moment because life has been pretty incredible blogging or not however I won't second guess myself next time I want to pause and publish.

September 14th: Emery was away from me for 5 hours and did great while we enjoyed a football game with dear friends who came into town.

September he started enjoying his exercauser and loves finding his toy hanging on his play mat then bite on them. Extreme drooler just like his brother!

End of December we decided enough was enough and it was time to sleep train! Yeah yeah yeah we let our kid cry it out in return for some much needed structure and SANITY within our house. It's been over a month and there are still nights we are working on it but for the most parts after a week he had got into a rhythm. Hoping to write more on this later!

Mid January started to crawl, intense burst of separation anxiety, eating baby food of all variety but no chunks yet. Sleep training success has been rough after a small sick bout but we are slowing getting our structure back. Always gives Davy a big smile then sticks his tongue out at him; it's their thing. Chews on everything like he teething but still no teeth! Nursing like a champ and mom is still his number one :)

And there you have; the smallest snapshot of Emery's life so far.

Here we are.

This day has been four and a half years in the making; it's consisted of many tears, pumping sessions, guilt, organization, frustration, and joy. When Moses was born there was no discussion because the possibility of making it work was zilch so six weeks post partum I was kissing him goodbye. We'd wake up early and get home late; I learned the art of cramming every errand into a lunch hour and meal planning with my crock pot became a necessity. When talks came of adding another child to our bunch I was adamant there was no way I could leave my baby again not to mention practically working just to pay the daycare fees (hello mortgage payment!). But months turned into years and the situation didn't look like it was ever going to change so we trusted the Lord knew better than us and we became pregnant. As you may recall this past year Davy also started The Worst Job Ever and there were many frustrating conversations along with the making of many spreadsheets and saying things like well we'll just never eat out again only to come to the conclusion this budget probably won't work. But then God made the impossible possible and provided a new incredible job for Davy and for the first time ever there was a glimmer of hope that we could make this work. This great job opportunity only got better and better and better so much so we would giggle and think how is this even possible... we are so blessed. As you may recall from the photo I posted on Instagram weeks ago saying I want to remember this moment forever and that's because it was my first day as a stay at home mom.

　
Even writing this weeks later it still brings bubbling tears because I'm so incredibly grateful.... I am a stay at home mom.

　
So that's life as of lately! People told me things like you're going to go stir crazy or it's so frustrating but honestly I'm still riding on cloud nine loving my new job. I'm finding it humorously strange to have all day to do house chores whereas I used to fit everything into two hours at night. On that same note sometimes with two kids it takes all day just to do a couple loads of laundry!

No real routine has been established yet and I am perfectly okay with that because we are just enjoying the summer: I still catch myself riding down the road on a Tuesday afternoon and thinking WOW normally I would be working but I'm not and won't be...this isn't maternity leave...this is life! As Emery has gotten older it has been easier to do a few play dates with friends and I can't wait to do more!

  
 

Emery's Birth Story

Something about going into our 41 week appointment Monday May 13th and hearing I was still 3 cm and nothing had changed made me relax. I wasn't happy to agree to an induction Friday and I wasn't too excited about spending another week twiddling my thumbs but somehow in our minds it calmed things. Monday night came around and I went to bed per usual only to be woken around 2:30am with a contraction. I'd been feeling contractions for weeks but I knew immediately this lower ab cramp like contraction was labor. I waited and sure enough another then another came. I shut my eyes and tried desperately to get rest because if this was going to be anything like Moses' birth I needed rest. Every 7 min I was back to concentrated breathing and then the bathroom trips started. Contractions bounced from 5 to 3 min apart for most of the morning. Around 5am I was on all fours in the bed trying a new position to work through a contraction when Davy rolls over and noticed; very excitedly he asked "are you in labor?!" and I couldn't lie "yes, but go back to sleep and relax"....yeah right. I could see his mind wheeling and we hugged and giggled and tried to chill out. My goal was for Moses to wake up naturally for school, get him out the door, and then head to the hospital.

Things started to pick up and by the time Moses woke I was hiding during contractions so he wasn't alarmed. By 7:15am I was asking Davy how much longer before they got out of the house aka how much longer before we can go to the hospital. Before Moses left we got to sit him down and share with him today was the day Baby Brother was coming; to say he was excited was an understatement. To be able to understand that when he got picked up from school he would get to meet him was so much fun for him to think about and made our hearts swell. 

At 8am we were checking into triage and by 8:30am I was hearing the nurse's surprising voice as she couldn't believe I was already 6cm and extremely favorable. At that time she asked about pain management and after a slight waiver of pure fear of the unknown I told her I wanted nothing. She left and I cried; cried because 1. this just got real 2. I was actually attempting unmedicated birth 3. finally.

Once we got settled into our room our nurse Joanna walked us through some checks that needed to be done and once we shared I wanted to go unmedicated she turned on her crunchy side and was 100% supportive the entire time. For the next two hours I labored in the shower, walked around, and sat on the birth ball.

 

I was surprised to find that during contractions I didn't want anyone to speak a word and the only comfort I needed was Davy's hand to squeeze. Between contractions I came back to earth fully aware and able to hold conversations, laugh, and feel normal; such a difference between last time when I felt so much was out of my control. I even fell asleep on the birth ball leaning onto the bed at 8cm during a set of contractions which I didn't even know was possible.

Around 11:30am Jane, my midwife, checked to find I was 8cm with a very bulging bag; we decided we could wait until it broke naturally or she could break it and most likely I could start pushing so I went for the 2nd option because at this point a few more intense contractions were worth the few minuets her breaking it would shave off. Once waters were broken she said I was welcome to start pushing on the next contraction. Wait a minuet, is this a joke? I was so surprised that we were here; we were to the pushing stage and I'd come this far is such a short time and more importantly I wasn't freaking out! Jane sat on the side of the bed with Davy to my left and the nurse on my right and I started pushing.

The ring of fire is exactly how it sounds and ouch, it burned! Two contractions in they made it sound like he was practically out and I was able to feel the top of his head. Between the excitement, the adrenalin, and the burning I was able to push him out two contractions later.

At 11:52am our Emery Shepherd was here!
9 pounds 13 ounces 21 inches long!

 

It was surreal; he was here, perfectly healthy, sitting on my chest...all before lunchtime.

After we got settled into our room our first visitor was Big Brother Moses which is exactly how I wanted it. He came into the room and almost immediately wanted to know where the surprise was that Emery had mentioned in the letter "he wrote" to him that day. After opening his Big Brother present he started to become more interested and the rest is history. The touching, the kissing, the more kissing, the holding, the loving.

 

As first time parents there were lots of tears; fear of the unknown, fear he would die in his sleep, fear we weren't doing things right. This time around we were ol' pros and even found ourselves twiddling our thumbs Wednesday ready to go home. Here are a few more pictures of our hospital stay and our very chunky (who doesn't even look chunky today!) boy in his going home outfit.

 

God is so good and we are so blessed. To be given Moses to raise and love was enough to last a lifetime so to have Emery is like icing on the cake; our wonderful family of four.

He's here! {ESW}

And just like that, in His most perfect timing, he's here!

  

Emery Shepherd Waldman

Born at 11:52am Tuesday May 15th

9 lbs 13 oz 21 inches long

 

A birth story is to come but I wanted to get out a few things about the last 5 days before they start running together.

Overall it's been an incredible experience; after a picture perfect birth we had excellent care throughout our stay at the hospital and the adjustment at home has been kind to me.

Emery surprised us all with his dark hair and complexion! We still can't get over his long fingers and mirror image feet of his Daddy's. His nose is just like Moses' which is just like mine but his head shape and chin are all his own. He had lots of built up mucus the days following birth so there was lots of burping, choking, and congestion but on day 5 we are down to just a little snoring and heavy breathing. On thing to note about his complexion is the almost non existent jaundice this boy has; not 1 but 3 nurses and our pediatrician told us they've never seen someone with such low bilirubin levels!

Moses is handling things really well. We knew taking him to school Tuesday that he would have a baby brother by nightfall and we're able to share that with him before he left which made him very excited. I had a note written from Emery to Moses telling him how excited he was to meet him and that he had a surprise waiting when he got to the hospital so needless to stay after a brief hello to Emery he was looking for the special surprise! After that he warmed up to him, help him, and has given about 85 kisses since then.

I just heard poop from the swing so that's all for now!

PS. We are so head over heels crazy in love.

{bump} this.

Update written on April 15th. The last two pictures were taken after this update but you get the idea; I'm ready, oh so ready!

 

Has it really been a month since I posted an update? I try not to talk too much about the bump but gosh it feels like so much has changed since then. And to think I thought that felt like the final stretch at 33 weeks? Ha! With 2 weeks until my due date its crunch time! I swear that’s all the midwife needs to say is 2^nd babies come sooner than your first and you’ve got me thinking I’m having a baby tomorrow. According to my last two checkups my body doesn’t seem anywhere near ready for labor but as my Mom kindly reminds me she was checked with zero progression the day she has my sister so… God’s timing is perfect, right?

35 weeks

 

Physically: I’m tired. 9pm feels like 10pm and the simple task like straightening up the house is daunting because bending down to pick up 15 small objects creates heartburn for hours! I haven’t been to the gym in a week and I don’t see myself bumping around on the elliptical much more; possibly a few times in the lap pool but yall, I’m tired! Just this past week I started to have terrible carpel tunnel in both my hands specifically my fingers which makes me feel very old but also very useless. I also just got a linear line in the lightest brown tint which I was not expecting because I didn’t have it last time. It’s so crazy how our bodies change over these 40 weeks and then can actually somewhat go back to normal; God’s creations can blow your mind!

Remember how I talked about living in dresses? I wasn’t kidding. I bounce between 3 or 4 and wear them every chance I get even if the stripes make my belly look like a dining room table for 10.

37 weeks

My emotions in a nutshell: Ahhh yay whoaaaa weee ahhh yay. Mixed, so mixed. Am I ready to go into labor tomorrow? Not really. Am I ready to meet this little guy and feel reach for the starts over the fence world series kind of love? YES! Mostly I’m not ready because I’m feeling anxious about labor and what time or day it will be and where Moses will be and all those details you can’t control that I want to control.

Retrospect: I’m so very thankful how easy this pregnancy has been. I know so many people that struggle just to get pregnant then struggle with severe versions of the things I’ve slightly encountered then have complications and yeah…I’m blessed. So very blessed. 

39 weeks and Funny story about this picture: it's horrible. I had bedhead and felt nasty but wanted to document in case it was my last belly shot, ya know? As my loving Husband said "you know how some women get really fat noses when they're pregnant? You don't have one at all but this picture makes it look like you do"...THANKS HUNNY!

 

{hermit}

In hiding is what I’d like to call it. I have about 5 posts floating around (some even written out) but I can’t bring myself to publish. I’m officially sick of being around strangers because if my belly comes up one more time I may throat punch someone. I get it; it’s a way for people to connect, they are being friendly, they are making small talk, they want to talk about this experience, yadda yadda who cares I’m over it! I’d be happy as a clam if he came tonight or in 2 weeks but it’s being seeing by the public that’s killing me. I’ve completely hermit crabbed out and that includes leaving Aprils playlist, belly updates, or whatever else I wanted to talk about buried away.

Bounce out the silly! {4th Birthday Party}

This year he really got it. He counted down and eagerly awaited January 5th because "THAT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I’LL BE FOUR YEARS OLD". In true Davy fashion a few days leading up to his special day he started making comments like "because I’m the birthday boy I’d like…" or "please let’s get a treat because it’s my birthday" and of course we ate it up. For his party we did his most favorite thing to do; go wild. We had all the friends and family get together for lunch then headed over to a bounce house and arcade to jump out all the sillies. I love seeing year after year the same gang of kids growing up and those who used to be fearful of jumping on the trampoline were now flipping off the top of the bouncy slides. Moses tends to think a lot of teenagers and adults are just as much his friends as they are ours and he absolutely loved having everyone he knew in one place. We are so thankful for the love and support these people have shown us since day one!

 

 

 

 

Thanks to smallfry.com I was inspired to do a birthday art project that he could enjoy for years to come and I love the way it turned out! Finger prints of most of our guest to make up a big bunch of balloons!

Cra.

Happy Monday my friends; where the iced espresso drinks are never large enough and my To Do list is a mile long because IT’S MONDAY AND I NEED TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT AWAY.

Today I’m over on Julie’s blog sharing a little glimpse into just how crazy I really am. Not the crazy sexy cool kind but the she’s losing her mind kind.

With my last pregnancy being over 4 years ago and a good case of Mommy Mush Brain it’s hard to say if last time was anywhere close to this pregnancy and my Super Senses. I’m not sure if the Super Sniffer or my Super Taster is worse but the combo of the two has me acting like a blood hound most days.

For example I’m sitting on the couch trying to enjoy my Dove dark chocolate square (in case you haven’t heard 12 doses of sugar a day keeps the Gestational Diabetics at bay) when all the sudden...

Keep reading at http://back2basicsblog.com/2013/01/tales-super-senses/ ...

I’ll be posting a full update later this week with bump pictures and all!

3:1

A boy Mom.

An outnumbered Mom.

A grateful Mom.

Walking into our ultrasound a couple weeks ago (yikes I’ve been busy) I was just praying to see a pounding heart and a bouncing baby. And I did. The ultrasound was amazing to see all of his fingers and toes and kidneys and brain. He had one hand above his head for a while reassuring us he’s perfectly comfortable just chilling in his little home. And for anyone who doubts 2012 technology, he’s definitely a boy; I have the very distinctive picture to prove it.

We couldn’t wait to tell Moses so we drove right to school to see him. Two of his favorite things are treats and sweets so we knew immediately how to tell him; with a sweet treat!

I sat him on the park bench and explained if you open it and it’s blue that means it will be a brother and pink will be a sister. He could hardly contain his excitement which radiated to all of us. His initial reaction was “these are white pretzels” (so much for pink or blue) but then once he saw the wrapping he understood. He was elated. So so happy for baby brother….and for a treat.

 

 

After that we rushed over to my Moms to let them know and snap a picture of Moses before the sun went down. We used the same box and wrapped up a blue Christmas ornament to let them find out the gender. Thanks to 2012 technology (no idea how they survived the 80’s and surprise babies) we Skyped my sister so she could be there and then let me Mom open the box. Funny thing is my Mom already knew soley based on how Davy was acting. She said he was too calm and collected for it to be a girl (in case you didn’t know Davy was freaked out to have a girl and she was very aware of that) so when he didn’t come inside with a shocked plastered look on his face she knew. 

My mother in law however was a different story completely. She was making herself sick with anxiety waiting to find out. She has been very outspoken she wants, no needs, a granddaughter. Davy was helping my teasing her in texts that we were at the doctors and knew the answer and she’d have to wait until dinner to find out. Finally at 7:15 she came in looking sick with worry to open her box. Obviously she’s happy with another grandson but within 10 minutes asked does this mean we will try for a 3^rd. Ha! Let me be a Mom of two before we even go down Family of Five Lane.

So there you have it, we are having another son.

What’s his name? Don’t even ask!

Worry.

Starting last Thursday I’ve been a nervous wreck about tomorrow. Those {dang} baby boards have got me thinking about more things then I’d like to yet I can’t get myself to delete it. Then someone I know personally went in for her 18 week check up with baby number 3 and found out the cord was wrapped around her neck and she was already in heaven. Cue fear. Cue trusting no One. Cue me freaking out. What if there is no heartbeat? What if they’re missing a limb? What if my world comes crashing down tomorrow? Then this happened:

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The first half of Sunday service church was literally written for me.  What am I worrying? Where is my trust in the Lord? Caroline, remember, this is a gift God has entrusted to Davy and I to take care of here on earth. Why am I worrying?

Tomorrow has been decided. God already knows every single hair on their little head. God already knows what they will look like, what they will act like, who they will marry, how they will die.  Thankfully I don’t need to worry about a thing. I have been so blessed to carry this baby for the past 17 weeks that there is no need to focus on tomorrow.

So then I handed over my worry to the Lord. Here ya go, along with my 8 billion other faults, let me praise You the rest of my days for the life You’ve given me. Jesus came to this earth to die for me and the sugar on top is I don’t have to worry.

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

 ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-24

Blurp {16 weeks}

Every day I stand in front of my closet and struggle with what to wear. I’m in that awkward stage of pregnancy where no regular pants fit properly but only some maternity pants look decent. Most of my normal shirts are too short for maternity pants but most of maternity shirts are too big for this baby bump. My face is breaking out more than normal and my hair just straight up sucks. I haven’t felt this ugly is a long time. Glowing, yeah right.

This isn’t a fish for compliments and this isn’t to say I’m not grateful. Davy kindly reminded me that once that little baby is lying on my chest all these rough self confidence days will vanish and nothing in the world will matter except that moment. It’s just frustrating. 

Another thing on my pregnant mind is our appointment next week; you know, the big gender reveal. Since the day we started telling people of course they want to know “what do you hope you’re having” which a head’s up for everyone who’s not experience being a mother already: it’s a really hard annoying question! The last thing I want to do is yell from every rooftop I wish I’m having a __ then come to find out it’s not that and everyone thinks I’m disappointment. Of course a healthy baby that makes it to full term that grows up without any physical or mental condition is exactly what I want. Of course a little boy would be cheaper because I have a ba-gillion things already. Of course a little girl would be great because then we would have” a complete set”. This is what I keep telling myself; regardless of the gender outcome I’ll be happy but in my heart I want to agree with this statement. I have to remember so many women struggle with infertility and miscarriages and to be nit-picky about the specifics is just plain ridiculous.

The plan was to post a bump picture (finally) but I couldn’t find my belt to belt together my cardigan and dress today so of course the entire outfit is ruined. Soon, my friends, very soon. 

{bigger}

This past weekend I just couldn’t take it anymore. You know when you say you’re going to take care of something 20 different times but never do? I was sick of the squishing, sitting on the floor, and still using an old crib sheet; my big boy needed a big boy bed and his Mama needed to be able to snuggle with him!

We moved his crib mattress to a toddler bed around age 2 and that’s been working fine except you can never really snuggle up for pre bedtime reading. My mother in law has a platform bed frame waiting for us in her garage but we just needed to actually go make the mattress purchase. Friday night after work we headed to the big furniture store and touched our hands where a lot of other people have sat their butts. After purchasing the mattress it was necessary to immediate go to Target to pick out bedding. I wanted it to be a family affair but if you ask Moses he would tell you “nope, just Mommy picked out my blanket and sheets” *side eye* true story. They had red jersey knit sheets and I was sold and a blue/light blue reversible quit comforter was perfect for a growing not-really-themed bedroom.

After getting it in the room and all set up the fun began; Moses loved his big bed and loved that we could get into the bed with him. That night we snuggled while enjoying stories and to be honest I really just wanted to sleep there all night. The next day he was still so excited he wanted to spend most of the morning in his room so we could hang out in his bed. We read 5 books straight and coming from the child who can’t sit still this was incredible for me. After reading he requested I just lay in the bed while he played around and brought me toys; gee son, I guess I can do that.

Now he’s been walking all of our house guest (with eyes closed of course) into his room to show it off. He made the transition seamlessly and it has brought us all a little more joy!

Seeds.

We had just been seated at El Jalisco’s Mexican restaurant after church yesterday and Moses is bouncing off the walls excited because he gets to sit next to Aunt Molly. He is over the moon happy that Grammy is back in town and his seat happens to be right next to the window overlooking the parking lot. Out of nowhere he picks up halfway through the story he was telling us in the car.

“JESUS IS ALIVE” he shouts.  Then he proceeds to tell us “He died for three…a couple days. They put Him in a tomb. Yeah... He was in a tomb. Then they opened the tomb and He was wrapped in paper (as he is showing us with his hands what it would be like if paper was wrapped around his shirt) and He was stinky (as he holds his nose and crinkles his face as if he smells Jesus across the table). And now He is ALIVE and He lives in Heaven.”

And that my friends, melted my heart. My three year old is retelling his best interpretation of Easter. JESUS is alive, and maybe for the first time ever, has comprehended and accurately retold a story he learned in Sunday school. It didn’t break and explode my heart until Davy casually mentioned Moses just told us something that he himself had never heard until age 13. Not knowing the Bible until your teenage years is baffling to me because as a child who grew up in the church I have no idea what it’s like to hear those stories for the first time as they seem to just be ingrained knowledge in my brain.

What Moses has right now is the upper hand. The little stories grow into more little stories which grow into bigger more detailed stories which one day grow into the epiphany that our God is great and humongous and LIVING! And when he does eventually decide to show acts of rebellion and sneak out of the house or lie to us or turn his back on God he will always have those little stories. Those little stories which stir up conviction and kindly remind him of the relationship he once had and will hopefully reel him back in and nurture the growth of a Godly man…those little stories are everything.

Overflowing.

I love when he says “Mommy guess what….I….love….YOU!”

Or when I slip my hand down the back of his pants and squeeze his hiney he starts to giggle and yell for daddy “HELP she’s getting my tooshy….save meeee”.

Or how he is completely comfortable letting me dress him in whatever I want; including a cable knit sweater or TOMS and skinny jeans. “Moses, go get your red shoes.” “My red shoes?” he replies “Your TOMS” I clarify “Ooo my TOMS”.

Or when his eyes light up when I tell him something other than “we’re going to school today” or “we’re going home after this”. He loves taking trips to see his Grandmothers or Chick Fil a or when I’ve got a little treat in my car or when we go to Publix or Target.

Or how he says words with weird accents or completely wrong: “Jack and Jiiiil went up a hiiill” (the best way to describe it is saying in your best country voice OH HELL)

Or his peculiar need to be so particular.

Or how he finishes my sentences when reading his favorite books, particularly David & Goliath as told by Chuck Smith.

Or that he is so incredibly observant. The other day I drove a way I never go and we happened to kind of pass Nuberi Frozen Yogurt and he looked at me at the red light and asked if we were getting ice cream then pointed to their sign. I’ve taken him there twice and it was at least 6 months ago. Then he asked if Molly would be there because that’s who went with us.

Or how completely joyous his personality is and his zeal for life is consuming.

Or how he likes to eat a banana or peanut butter sandwich every single morning within three minutes of waking up. His new favorite, peanut butter, jelly, and honey…because one topper clearly isn’t enough.

Or how he gets really close to my face and just looks and smiles at me with eyes that tell me we love each other to the moon and back.

Super Mom.

Here I am again; head barely above water. My legs are tired from kicking to keep me afloat and my arms are filled with groceries, pee soaked Lightning McQueen jammies, and a smart phone….I’m drowning. It’s not a bad place to be, honestly, just very overwhelming. How can you possibly do it all?

Plan/ prep each meal to make sure it’s healthy?

Spend less than $75 each week at Publix?

Keep our family on a budget in general?

Have a decent quiet time?

Read the Harry Potter series?

Find time to exercise?

Spend time with family?

Spend time with girlfriends?

Find time to decorate?

Find time to keep my house clean?

All the above I want to do. Half the above I actually need to do. And a mix between the two is what I actually do. Even though I was up at 6:30am to get in my gym time and spent my lunch break strolling the isle of the grocery store I still won’t have enough time today. Does my house always suffer? Of course. Does my quiet time get cut short from my sleepy eyes getting too sleepy? Obviously. See the problem? A girlfriend shared this wonderful article with me the other day about Super Mom (or design, food, ect) bloggers and how they don’t actually do it all. The blogger was very honest about her normal state of life compared to the one she blogs about; it’s true, who likes to show off the messy part of their life?

My issue is I don’t want to stop writing but at the same time I don’t want to spend half my time apologizing for my lack of life documentation. I want this to be my lifestyle outlet; crappy meals, wonderful moments, woe is me I’m a working mom, and everything in between.

Here I am…one big mess. Let’s just get this out of the way and say I’m busy being busy from now until forever.

Passy? {what passy}

I’m premature in writing this but maybe that’s just what I need; to make it real. I knew this day had been coming but just wasn’t sure when or how it would work. The conversation, the aftermath, the backlash; all leading up to the moment our house no longer owns passies.

Passy has been a dear friend to Moses since the first week he came home but now that he is THREE and can fully articulate a conversation the pacifier has got to go. He only has it for bedtime (not even weekday naps) however he treasures that time it brings him comfort. Before bed while he was picking out stories I started to tell him one day he will have to say goodbye to it. That he is a big boy now and his baby friends are the only ones who should have passies. We talked about who his baby friends were (all those who are around 1 years old) and how it would make me very proud if he shared and let them have his passies. I don’t how it transitioned from one day to today but it did and it happened. I tucked it under my leg and just like that we started reading.

He asked for it and by the time I laid him down he decided he no longer wanted to share. The begging turned to crying and frustration. I kept reassuring him he was big and didn’t need one anymore…that I was proud of him for sharing. It’s funny how he finds such comfort in sucking rubber to put him to sleep. In a desperate plea for help he leaned into my neck and slightly bit/ sucked on my skin for a moment hoping it was a passy. We both laughed knowing how silly he was being.

A few moments after I left his room I heard him in the hallway running into my arms. A few more minutes later I walked back in the hall to find him standing by the door telling me he was sick and threw up. He showed me his spit in the toilet and turned into a Drama King overacting his faux feelings. A few more reassuring talks and back rubs later he was asleep. He did it; he put himself to sleep without a passy! And he went all night without waking for it once.

This morning he came into my bed and suddenly remember I had a green passy in my hand the night before while reading stories…and he wanted it. No way was that going to happen. I hid it in a place he will never look hoping yesterday was the last day ever he’ll have one. My goal now is to continue to tell him how proud we are for his decision and then find every single passy that’s hiding in the house and put them away before he finds it!As weird as this may sound I'm slightly emotional about this big step in his toddler-hood! 

Just one more way he's becoming bigger and bigger and bigger as he puts it.

{three}

Laying in bed last night I was smiling at Davy talking through the play by play of events that happened 3 years ago exactly. The sausage spaghetti leftovers I so foolishly ate, the 1am shower after I figured out I was in labor, the pizza we wolfed down in our hospital room after 15 hours of labor; it all feels like yesterday. How did all of this happen in a blink of an eye?

When did those 3am scream fests end and sitting up begin?

 

 

When did crawling under the end tables become walking down the hallway on Christmas morning?

 When did the baby monitors get replaced with a wide awake kid banging on our door?

 

When did mashed up baby food and Puffs become Chick Fil A and Starbucks?

 

When did this baby turn into a toddler?

 

When did this toddler turn into a boy?

 

It’s the smiles and giggles that get me, it’s the exuberance and rowdiness that kills me and it’s the entire package that melts me. I could not be more proud of the curious, excited boy he has become. I love all the questions, all the comments, all the quarks that have come with this age. Happy Birthday to the light of my life, my son, my everything, my Moses! 

I am a good mother.

I’ll let you in on a little secrete; I have doubts about being a mother. Not the typical oh my gosh I’m going to kill my kid with .02 more ml of medication or is he going to be killed by the bed sheet tonight but the doubt that I don’t get taken serious as a mother. It’s no secret I am a young(ger) mom; having a baby in your early 20’s is not always socially acceptable and often I feel I’m getting the “look”. You know, the look you give someone who looks young that has a kid and in your mind you’re thinking “she totally got knocked up and forced to have that kid and she’s a struggling bad parent.”

Yes, Moses was our little surprise but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him as much as I would if he was “planned”. God’s plan is so much bigger than my mapped out live-college-life-get-masters-get-phD-have-my-office-door-say-Dr.-Caroline-and-have-really-nice-leather-shrink-couch plan. 

I can’t imagine life any different than happily married with a toddler. My heart would literally explode if I could even begin to express the deep love I have for my son and life so why do I doubt? Because I can’t get past people’s opinions. I have built up these walls of insecurities that keep me from being the room mom or doing more “mommy things” I’d like all because I’m afraid. It may sound silly to some and dead on for others.

My resolution: To break down the walls, to jump in feet first, to prove them wrong. I am a good mother. Now I need to let myself accept that.

I am a good mother.

Please excuse me {for I've turned into a pile of mush}

A slow creep; putting off one thing here or there…not really noticing anything different. Well not until I’ve realized how many hours I’ve spent sitting on the cough in a 24 hour period do I realize, I’ve got a problem. The diagnosis is somewhere between lack of motivation, lack of determination, and sheer laziness. It started right after Thanksgiving when I was just exhausted from all the hustle; I skipped the gym for family time and ate sweets because I wasn’t going to the gym. The week started and I was in too much denial to actually meal plan or grocery shop. Then I started neglected cleaning up the house, skipping daily chores like laundry, or having the motivation to do much of anything. I wasn’t feeling well so I kept skipping the gym and eventually I traded decorating the house for a couple hours of Grey’s Anatomy. 
 

There is no way I’m blaming the first season’s of Grey’s for this ripple effect but oh my gosh it’s so much easier to waste away my night watching drama at Seattle Grace then facing reality that I’ve abounded myself. The breaking point came Saturday when after spending the morning at a craft show I came home and watched 3 hours of Grey’s on the couch; the boys were out so I felt less guilty putting life on the back burner. Then that night while I was home alone instead of turning on Christmas music and decorating I spent another few hours watching Grey’s. I’d say I watched about 6 to 7 hours of Grey’s sitting on the couch in one day. Yep, that was my low.

Christmas decorating should be fun, it should feel good to have a clean house, I like how I feel after the gym….but instead, I was turning into a pile of mush. There were also things I needed to do, like work on a side social networking project or post sponsored blogs…but instead, I just sat. 

Finally last night after feeling like such a sorry piece of nothing I had the motivation to do, something. I folded laundry and actually put it away, I organized a stack of boxes in the playroom, I cleaned up all the little messes in the living room… I did something! I couldn’t, however, find it in me to decorate the tree (so Davy did it) or decorate the house or sweep or deep clean or work on the other 50 things on my to-do list. But I did something…and that’s saying something. I hated loosing myself over these last few weeks; I don’t know why it happened. I apologize to everyone who has suffered from this laziness and feel awful for abandoning it all. I’m feeling refreshed today, I’m taking it one step at a time, I’m getting it back together again.

You can be my Punk Rock Princess {I'll be your Garage Band King}

No reason for the silence, just quiet lately. It seems I’ve been more in the mood to look forward to what’s to come (and happened) this week that I’ve been lacking on reflecting back to last week’s events. Last week’s biggest (and most frustrating) accomplishment was completing my second sewing project. I cannot believe I didn’t take any pictures of the finished products (even though I was reminded repeatedly by my sister!) so I have nothing to show for. They were two gifts for Moses’ two favorite lady friends. One was a Thomas the Train themed blue and red tutu with a red/white checked waistband that had a red tulle hair bow with a toy Thomas car in the center. The other was a pink and orange tutu with a beautiful printed fabric waistband and a long sleep white shirt with a matching fabric “T” placed on the front then cross-stitched down. At the end of the project I understood why it had been so frustrating; learning to sew (while sewing a present) requires extreme concentration and I wasn’t letting myself have any! I was coming over late at night or with the boys and it was too much to handle. Thankfully I did the Thomas tutu all by myself while my mom led by example with the first one. It wasn’t easy but I’m thankful I did it; next time I will make sure to practice on something personal that way it’s not so much pressure!

So what am I looking forward to? So much is going on in a 7 day time span but thankfully it’s nothing but fun. Last night, I got to take my little sister to her first [real] “rock show”. You know, the whole smoke filled college bar venue filled with Scene Beans, drunk girls, punk rock princesses, and oh those boys in the bands. I tried my hardest to make sure she was having a good time even if it meant shoving our way towards the front and jumping up and down with my muffin top falling out of my skinny jeans. I have incredibly fond memories of being in high school / early college and doing the band thing so this was so much fun to “chaperone” her living out these experiences.

I’ll share the rest of this week’s glory as it unfolds but I wanted to write in the moment because before I know it this moment will be over and we’ll be flying into the next one.

Ps. I have this totally wonderful giveaway to post and if I ever give myself time to sit down and write it I’ll post it this week! It’s one of those things you may not think twice about but once it’s in your arms you’re going to be all “oh my gosh this is won-der-ful!!”