je vous ai aimé, 2009.

The last day of 2009 is such a mix of emotions. Half of me wants to enjoy the night and wake up tomorrow like it’s any other day but the other half of me wants to reflect on the monumental year 2009 has become. This will probably be the most eventful year I will have as far as monumental events go.
The first big event was our sweet little 9 pound 1 once baby laid in my arms January 5th. The first week I remember crying (nonstop) and Davy and I looking at each other at 3am thinking we can’t do this anymore; then almost a year later looking at Moses running around the house thinking I couldn’t do life with this! He has flipped out lives upside down and inside out and taught me the word selflessness but wow, he brings the most joy into our house every single day (more about him next week).


Then the ongoing events of working full time, learning how to be parents, learning how to be husband and wife, school part time, and building a house together came. Sometimes I don’t even know how we did it, how I got to work on time most days and how clean clothes ended up in closet (or floor, or bed, or couch…you get the idea); but we did it.


As the half way mark of 2009 came and went so did David’s health. We had been riding an emotional roller coaster for many months concerning his health and it was tough. I’ve never experienced family illness like that and wasn’t sure how to comfort myself and Davy’s needs at the same time. Life screeched to a halt August 21st when David finally lost the war with cancer. Cancer sucks. Life sucked (sorry for the morbid emotional vent on the last post). It’s still tough and I know for everyone some days are harder than others, but “taking it one step at a time” actually helps.


Winding down 2009 (and actually took most of 2009 to prep for) was our anniversary and renewal of vows in front of good friends and family. So many meetings, planning, more meetings, and details but November 22nd finally came and it was beautiful. Putting on the dress, taking the pictures, playing the part, and looking around to see everyone who loves and supports us was just amazing. I promise one day I’ll post pictures!


So much of 2009 was about preparing. Preparing for a baby, preparing for a death, preparing for a wedding. I felt like so many nights where spent thinking about the next night and far to many To Do lists were created. For 2010 my resolution (cheesy!) is to slow down and savor. Savor those nights we spend playing with every toy in the play room and Moses turning 1, then 13 months, then 14months, then 15 months. Savor cuddling next to Davy while the laundry sits on the floor. Savor girls nights, family nights, friends nights. Savor being twenty something. To just truly enjoy everyday life and not rush or worry about what needs to be done. So tonight when we count down to 2010 I’m going to savor a nice long kiss with my husband and just let time stop.


Au revoir 2009!

I once sang the chorus of a Brandi song acapella as an audition piece for a middle school play; I did hair and makeup that year

Have you ever stared at a dead person? Not just a quick picture, but sitting on the ottoman about 3 feet away from their face just staring thinking the person I loved is no longer there. Well body is there, face is there; he could just be taking a lazy afternoon nap, but he’s not, he’s dead. I am being blunt, yes. Am I emotionless, no.

I’ll never forget that day, those feelings, the look, the clothes, the blanket, holding Davy’s hand as he lead a prayer, the white sheet placed ever so softly over his body before they took him away, and the 100’s of other details I’m not brave enough to type into words. Christmas day a pack of Oreo’s sat on my mother in laws counter and as I slid back the wrapper tears filled my eyes because that was his thing; they should have been on top of the fridge because that was the secret-not-so-secret hiding place.

I had lots and lots of words yesterday, but now they’ve all escaped me. Boo staying busy at work yesterday when the mental pencil was flowing.

To Do:
- Bake squash casserole
- Compile pictures to load onto my digital picture frame to bring into work
- Long(er) term: print pictures of Moses to update my desk and
- SUPER LONG TERM: finally, finally, finally, update Moses’ baby book
- Get my mind around Moses’ birthday party in less than 2 weeks

To Do Tuesdays

First I want to back up to last weeks To Do Tuesday and defend myself as to why I never finished thank you cards… it’s because I lost my spreadsheet! An organized spreadsheet kind of girl is great if she actually remembers where she tucked it! Now that my trusty information with everyone’s names/ gift list/ addresses/ and most importantly if I’ve sent them a card is gone, I’m at a loss. Still not sure how I’m going to fix this one, but hopefully but next week I would have come up with a solution and completed them!
Moses birthday is quickly approaching and once the holidays are over it’s going to sneak up and bit me in the butt! This birthday is pretty important to me so I’ve started planning early. So much so that I’ve already purchased and printed invitations, came up with a guest list, and addressed them all! They will go out by the end of the week to give everyone a heads up of this MAJOR BIG DEAL BIRTHDAY! I won’t get emotional yet, because it hasn’t quiet hit me that a ONE YEAR OLD is no longer a baby. (So I guess this subject qualifies for TO DID List).


After two flowing paragraphs, I can’t take it anymore…I’m caving for a list.

To Do:
1. Get pictures of our ‘3’s a family’ first Christmas
2. Thank you cards (grr….) (I love thanking people, hate the thought of pulling them all out and actually doing it)
3. Find a new day care for Moses. Another subject entirely too big that I’m forced to rave about it on TallyMom’s discussion board because I know NO ONE wants to hear about boring details of child care centers.
4. ** Start proof reading my spats of writing. I just went back and saw how awful my spelling and sentence structure is! I really do write EXACTLY how I speak.

Maybe my mind is blank, or maybe I’m just THAT good, but I don’t really have a huge list swimming around. I feel like all my stockings are in a row (tehe I’m cheesy) for Christmas, my house is decent (just don’t open doors), and I’m not stressed. Sorry I don’t have much to offer for this To Do Tuesday. What’s on your list?

Check out Sproost.com and take the designer quiz- its fantastic. It says I’m 46% Nantucket Style 31% French Eclectic and 23% Modern Elegance but I beg to differ. The Nantucket style is so high because comfy sofas and shades of blue/white draw me in but I LOVE French eclectic. What’s your style?

Pretty lights on the tree, you should be here with me.

**Sometimes work get a tid bit busy and I don't finish a blog. This week it happened twice so I'm calling this a smash up of 2 mini blogs plus new stuff!**

Earlier this week:
Tis the Season? Or maybe just Tis TheNester? Whatever it is, it’s got me in the mood to be domestic. Our house has been a work in project for months and it’s SLOWLY coming together… slowly meaning maybe by January I’ll have hung pictures and bought rugs! Anyways, the state of my home is another blog in itself, I wanted to talk about being domestic! After we hung out Christmas tree and put lights on it I knew the house needed more. It hardly felt like Christmas until you walk into every room and it’s decorated (thanks Mom for forever having the best decorated house I know). So I managed to come up with a wreath idea for the front door all by myself. I placed a big red ribbon at the top and tied on a collection of red, green, and silver balls. All different shines and textures (glitter on some, of course!) and sizes made up the collection and it turned out great! Then I made a mom-inspired ball filled vase. I used a large glass one that slightly coned at the bottom and opened at the top. At the bottom I started laying down a small strand of white lights followed by a purple, pink, teal, blue, green, silver, and white balls. I intertwined the lights as I filled up the vase so once it was completed the strand poked out of the top. It was super easy and gives off a really nice warm feel. I did a few other things around the house but those are the two I’m most proud of. Subscribing to The Nester blog gets me inspired on a daily basis to decorate the house and I cannot wait until I have a clear picture of what I want to do with the living room and put those plans into action.


Another domestic thing I’ve been into is baking. Well more like eating sweets, hot chocolate topped with whipped cream, and anything warm…. But again, different blog! Last week I had a splendid Christmas cooking making party with The Girlfriends and a sugar high lasted a good 48 hours. We spent half the time laughing and eating and finally around 11pm got down to business of decorating. I ended up taking home about 8 cookies and had no desire to eat them, they were too pretty! Thankfully Davy had no deep attachment and was able to enjoy. My next project will be, Nest inspired, to make a pan a delicious (fingers crossed) sweets for some friends and family. I think they are the pretty “Merry Christmas” little treat to pull everyone through these last 11 days before Christmas.

Wednesday:
Stomach “aches” are no fun. I wouldn’t even call it an ach because it felt more like gysers of acid erupting every 5 minuets. Disgusting graphic, I know, but there is no better way to describe it. I ended up leaving work early because I just could take it anymore. A little Pepto, couch time, and a Hallmark movie seemed to do the trick and I’m back at the “ol’ daily grind” again today.

Today:
I'm in a great mood.

Last night has a gift wrapping party with my mom and sisters and wrapped EVERY present I brought over. I was shocked at my productivity and proud of almost all the wrapping jobs (sorry Patrick…maybe next year I’ll get the bow perfect). Lots of laughs, a few tears (why do good people have to die), and an entire living room filling with gift wrap (my mom’s Martha Stewart with a booty, have I mentioned that?).

Tonight we are having a little adult time for a friend’s surprise party at Level 8, a downtown high-rise hotel. The bar has a big open balcony that over looks downtown and I’ve heard its very chic and big city trendy. Lots of our friends should be there and I’m anticipating many laughs. Tomorrow a friend couple of ours is getting married and that should also be a great time with a completely different set of friends. I’m looking forward to enjoying a wedding and not being in the center of it (sorry- I’m awful for still not blogging about ours… the subject stares me down and I’m too intimidated to go there). Hopefully Sunday will consist of the usual. Church, lunch, and lots of laying around wishing Monday never comes. Ideally I would love to take Moses to see Santa but if the line is halfway across the mall I don’t see that happening.


(this blog is too long, sorry, I don't care)

To Do Tuesdays

To Do Tuesdays. Tuesday is the day of the week I’m allowing myself to talk about goals, wants, and needs. They can be actual or a mind set, a list or a dream, long term or in the next hour. Comment what your To Do's are if you feel the need to shout it from the rooftops!

My To Do's:
1. To start getting things accomplished. I’m Mrs. List. The problem is once those lists have been so beautifully formatted I can't seem to check everything off and then some. So many ideas, thoughts, list form in my head I just end up with so many lists and nothing to show for.
2. Most immediate goal- wedding thank you cards. I wish I had the guts to just call everyone up and blab about how thankful I am, but people may think I drank too much water in Mexico.... so intern I’m stuck with a huge list (yes...beautifully structured thanks to Excel) of names, addresses, gifts, have I wrote the note out, have I sent it (I’m crazy for making a column asking myself if I did something, I know).
3. To bake and master the Croissant
4. Making my newest love for coral red and robin egg blue come alive and sprayed throughout my home. I’m thinking the living room, but I need to fall in love with a pillow fabric before I can be certain.
(*I want you all to know how crazy I am... as I am writing this I caught myself numbering my thoughts into piles.... it's seriously something I can't control!)
5. This one is a mind set. At the end of the day being happy I played with Moses and snuggled with my husband instead of checking off a list. To truly loose myself in love and laughing and playing is the best To Do Tuesday goal I have... and the hardest.

Until next Tuesday I’ll try my hardest to keep these thoughts to myself

please remember me...happily...by the rosebush laughing

Tuesday night we put up Christmas lights and it was magical. Moses and I were the perfect non captivated audience to Davy hanging the icicle lights in the front yard. Grass is a foreign concept to Moses and watching him stand/move/touch/crawl in it is a hoot (yes, a hoot). Moses walked around smashing his banana between his fingers and into the grass and back in his mouth again. I let him enjoy being messy because we were outside and he never gets to be a wild boy. All the illuminated lights in piles on the driveway didn’t interest him; the only thing he wanted to do was practically run down the drive way to get to the road. Even when placed in the middle of the grass he would move as fast as he could to get to the smooth drive way. Shoe and sockless didn’t stop him from crushing pine straw and twigs to make it to the edge of the driveway. Why he wanted to feel the road is still a mystery. But playing with a freshly bathed, banana hands, happy baby while watching Davy put up Christmas light was the highlight of my night, my day, my week.

Tonight me and The Girlfriends are making Christmas cooking. My cubical is filling with the smell of Frebreeze NOTICEables Christmas scent and multi colored lights that stretch across my cubical opening. A mini tree with mini Target balls and beads and a pink tree-topper star sit on my desk. The office is filled with unwrapped, blatantly obvious presents for Moses. Tiss the Season : )

Rogue Wave "Eyes"

Blogging has taken a backseat in my life, for a reason. It was consuming and just getting me too caught up in things I didn’t want to be.
So with that being said, I have 1 thing to share:
I LOVE MY BOYS. Everyday is a new day with them and its overwhelming to think of the love I have for them. Moses discovered my eyes the other night and he stood about 2 inches away from my facing just gazing into them. I could see the love pouring out in both directions and it was the best feeling ever. I could not ask for a better Trio :)
Maybe I’ll take up [controlled] blogging again in December and do most photo post of the Holidays/ Wedding/ Cruise….. maybe not.


** I'm updating this post and adding a FEW pictures. I didn't want another new post (for now) so here are a few wedding/cruise shots, enjoy!

** CRAP: as soon as I tried to upload it's not letting me upload anymore but this one! grrr....maybe later?

Flip Flops and Pea Coats

Sitting outside on our back deck watching Davy assemble the fire pit and Moses play with toys I realized this is what it should be. Not cramped inside a shared wall apartment with artificial light, not crawling in the same 10x10 cube day after day, but free. Enjoying the fall evening with my family in our new house. Free to move around and play outside, even if we haven’t touched the grass to our feet yet, we’re free. It’s still filled with boxes and nic nacs everywhere, but I’m learning to love the extra space. “Playrooms” are the best invention ever. A place where Moses can touch everything and leave toys out and spill milk from his bottle without any repercussions. My only regret so far is having two TV’s in the house. TV already sucks us in and having the ability to watch what I want to watch all the time is dangerous. More about the new house another time.



I’m taking a stand against Myself. A few weeks ago Myself got a lot of free baby food. I decided it would be a good idea as backup if we were on the go and did not have any homemade with me. Myself started feeding it to Moses only to find out it was complete mush. Well mush wouldn’t even describe it, more like a milkshake. Who wants to eat a green bean milk shake? YUCK. I started feeling guilty giving the baby food to Moses. Yes he would eat it, well suck it off the spoon, and he wasn’t going to bed starving, but I felt like Myself had gotten lazy and given up. I then had an epiphany. Myself doesn’t have to do this, doesn’t have to be lazy and give up something we were really enjoying. So I took a stand. We put all the baby food jars away and sought Publix for more fresh fruits and vegetables. Last night Myself got back in the game of baby food making and whipped up some impressive ice cubes of food! I was so happy knowing this is what I wanted, and so this is what I’ll do. Unfortunately I butchered the baked apples but know there will be many more trial and errors to come in the kitchen.


Fall came to visit Florida for a couple days, then packed up and left. I was really enjoying pea coat and heater weather while it lasted. Moses also got a change to sport a couple sweaters before we were back to onsies. I’m hoping Fall will come and spend a few months with us soon, I’m waiting for the leaves to change.


T minus one month until the Wedding, I’m not freaking out or anything…pause…not! Every day is a quick panic of what do I need to do next. All the stress is for a good reason in the end, I’m just hope the end comes before I go into cardiac arrest! Little things get me excited throughout the day like an RSVP email or a purchase on our honeymoon registry. With all this planning for the wedding I constantly forget how excited I am about our Cruise! I have never dreamed of doing a lot of the stuff we have planned for vacation and I’m anxious excited all in one. The only bad….terrible, awful, sad part of our trip is leaving Moses behind for 7 ½ days. We are really going to miss him and hope he still remembers us when we return!


Go outside and enjoy!

Insert mouth guard before stepping into the ring

While trying to stay sane at work I started playing around with my Google and came across the Reader feature. Some may think I’m an idiot for just now discovering this but I tend to stick to the same routine when checking my blog(s). Once on Reader I discovered I could check up on all the blogs I follow on one page. No more clicking around on bright colored pages; I could now just stare at one page and read them all. Very convenient for work but the best part of Reader, and the reason I’m blogging about it, is the Recommendation feature. Not sure exactly how it works, but Google has managed to get to know me and suggest blogs I should read. A few were lame such as polical and sports blogs, but others looked pretty promising. One blog I came across was called “So-So Stephanie” and so far Stephanie has kept me very occupied this morning! She is my favorite type of blogger. Someone who has a writing background, or just enjoys writing but isn’t big enough to be a professional blog. She still has real life moments and not everything has to be in fancy order with 100 comments.

While reading Stephanie’s blog, and other people I know, the general trends of blogging start to jump out at me. Most blogs revolve around new, stay at home moms. Mom’s who decide to document the little adventures of eight to five inside cushy four walls. Some choose to spruce it up with pictures and videos and some give constant updates of Baby’s newest move. I’m not “hating” on anyone who has this kind of blog, because lets face it my own blog falls in line with many of these characteristics. I just want more out of my blog, more out of my reading. I love when moms sound real and actually admit something went terrible wrong or moms who write on a different, more whimsical level.

I keep saying I wish I take more pictures, I wish I could get more crafty, I wish, I wish, I’ve wished myself sick! Right now I’ve chosen to make life very busy with Wedding and moving but once life calms down slightly I’m going to take things back into my own hands. As I unload all the boxes into the new house I’m going to purge any of the “crap” that we have around. No more nic nac junk or furniture we don’t need. All the memorabilia we can’t let go of is getting placed in a “memorabilia” storage tub and put far into storage. I want to invent, reinvent the house I portray. I want to love every piece in my house. I want to be proud. I want to entertain. I want to paint random canvases and hang them.

I’ve become so jealous and covet not other people’s possessions, but other people’s titles. I’m not a stay at home mom and I have to start being okay with that. Just because I don’t get play dates and craft time doesn’t mean I can’t make myself and my house into something I’m proud of. I have to stop handicapping myself into thinking I don’t have the time to get all the things I want done. JUST START DOING THEM. The motivation within is the hardest part of this reinvention but thankfully I have an almost blank canvas in our new house, with the exception of paint already on every wall.

In other news Moses fake laughs now. He knows we love when he loves what we are doing, and now he loves to watch us laugh at him fake laughing. There isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t awe over his cuteness.


Moving day is Saturday, wish me luck!

Different kind of list.

All my blogs lately have been me blabbing about how busy I am. In all this busyness I want/need/am still finding happiness. Instead of writing another ToDo list here are things that make me happy:
- My new laundry room/ spare bathroom is BRIGHT orange

- Moses’ new jammies. Slim fitting pants that are snug around the ankles and a matching long sleeve T shirt that is snug around the wrist. He looks like the “biggest” boy wearing them

- Moses being happy when I sing at the top of my lungs randon (awful) songs in the car

- Leaving work for lunch

- When the TV is off and we play on the floor

- It’s officially holiday season

- Actually being able to think about the holidays starting December 7th

- Grey’s night

- The thought of getting a new phone (today)

< 3

Update from Busyland

(Please note I'm not longer number titling my blogs... way too hard to look back at something!)

I have not blogged in weeks… reason being: I’VE BEEN BUSY! Too busy to blog? YES! I like not being bored, but too busy is tough too! Biggest thing keeping me busy:



WEDDING! 7(ish) weeks until the wedding and we are trying to complete everything in a timely manner. Who knew it would take an entire day to collect jars, fabric, set up, and order candy for a candy buffet! Just little things like decorations and table placement and bows and materials; the list could go on forever! I’m still excited but I understand now why brides say “I’m so happy it’s over”. It’s a one day party 8 months in the making! I’m sure if I didn’t have any other distractions things could have been done by now, but with baby, husband, work, moving, life…. It’s dragging! I’ve even resulted to making certain days of the week “wedding days” and “moving days” and on “moving day” I can’t work on wedding and visa versa. I’m physically feeling stress and this ongoing sickness could be the result of that.

(I started the blog this morning and had to wait hours before picking it back up….. I WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND SCREAM!)

Ok wow sorry, lots of built up emotion for no good reason : )


In other news:
Moses has taken a total of four consecutive steps. He stands great by himself but the past week or 2 he’s been working on moving around standing up. He “surfs” the ottoman and has no fear of falling. Davy and Moses “practice” by standing Moses up a few feet away from Davy and holding something very enticing, like a passy. At first Moses would get excited then drop to his knees to crawl but now he stands for a long while trying to get that first leg off the ground. He can move one and then will normally plop over but a few times he’s been able to stay stable enough to pull the other leg up for a second step. His record is 4 steps then falling into Davy’s lap. I’m sure by the wedding he’ll be walking around. The night he took his first step we went out to Target and bought him new shoes! They are the soft (er) sole Velcro strap tennis shoes and he looks so cute in them! I wanted to make sure he could practice moving around in them before he started regularly walking barefoot. I’m excited around him moving around more but not trying to pressure him. He already moves around so well I’m scared what a walking Moses could do! He likes to do things at his own pace and I will continue to let him do so!

I’ve finally updated Facebook with some new pictures and promise (yeah, right) to do so on here soon! It was the first time in 2 months I was able to upload pictures (busy, busy, busy) and promised myself I would start taking and uploading on a regular basis. Plus blogs with pictures are more fun to look at : )


Here's one picture that has nothing to do with this blog but I miss my friends.

twentynine.

I want:
To be more lady like. I’m not speaking of dotting your I’s and crossing your T’s, but more graceful in the way I come across. The way I hold my tongue and speak of others.
More printed shirts. Well this rant could be summed up in a want to be fashionable again. I feel like at one point in my life I had cute clothes and good fashion sense, but now with my baby weight gain (we can just call that being overweight since my “baby” is 8 months old now) I’ve let myself go. All my work clothes are become worn and saggy and when I’m not in work clothes I never want to wear things that I need to be sucked and tucked into. Therefore I resort to things that cover my belly and the same ol’ pair of jeans. I’d like the think it’s not for outward appears and peoples approval but more so the approval of myself. To feel good in how I look. To look in the mirror and love it… and that goes to my next topic:
To get fit. Blah blah I say it all the time, but I want the drive to stop making excuses and eating sweets or junk food. I want to be serious. I’ve been searching for a used jogging stroller to buy that way I can eliminate Moses as an excuse.
To feel 21, and act it sometimes. With our busy lives and early morning work, I feel I have become old (too scared to throw out a number). We sit at home most nights and even when we go out I get tired too quick and act boring. I want to be fun, and act fun, and have fun! I know my life is not “normal” for most 21 year olds, but I have still be married and have a child and have a good time (for time to time).
To be more creative. With pictures, with editing, and with crafts. This subject and the clothes could also all fall under:
To be more trendy. Why can’t I push the limits and my resources?

I have:
THE BEST little boy. It’s funny when you hear people talk about their kids as if they were the coolest thing since slice bread. But Moses really is the coolest thing since slice bread. He baffles and amazes us on a daily basis. We could sit for hours falling over each others words saying “look at this” or “watch this”.
An incredible husband. I get a little nutty sometimes, and he can handle that. He cooks better than I do and has no problem putting us first. He’s my goofy other half.
Enough. As much as I want, I have enough to keep me happy and pay the bills.

twentyeight.

Weaning.

The time has come where I slowly put away the pump and the Bobby and officially wean Moses. This week is my first week I’m making an effort to slowly decrease my milk supply. My first step- pumping twice instead of three times a day. I know it’s a little step, but I wanted to start somewhere. I’ve read different articles saying to start by cutting their least favorite feedings, but since Moses is at day care all day, that seemed a little tricky. I know his favorite (well, my favorite) nursing times are when I come home from work, and before bed. At times this task seems easy and in the long run save me a lot of trouble. But at the same time, I’m really going to miss it! At first we had trouble with nursing and I had to have tons of pillows and it was a big ordeal and he would really hurt me. But over time we’ve worked out a pretty good system and I enjoy the bonding time we have together. I love the way his little hand pats my chest or reaches up and put his hand over my mouth politely asking me to stop talking while he enjoys his milk. It instantly sooths when he has a big fall and quicker than any bottle around. Originally I didn’t plan to wean this early, but Davy and I have decided to take a week long cruise for our honeymoon at the end of November. I wanted to make sure he was weaned and my body was back to “normal” before the wedding and honeymoon, so I’m starting this month. I’m not sure who will miss it more, him or I. Thankfully with daycare and me working he is used to formula and if he had to drink it all day it wouldn’t irritate him stomach. I’ll keep the blog updated as the decrease continues. I’m hoping its going to be as easy as I imagine it being!

twentyseven.

I'm terrible about putting up pictures, so here are a few from a "6th month" shoot Sarah did 1 1/2 months ago! It was the day Moses started to come down with something, so he didn't feel like smiling much at all. Of course he picks the one day we go to the park for pictures to stop acting like the goofy smiley boy he is! (for some reason my font option is gone....)

twentysix.

One week today. It doesn’t feel like the worst Friday in the world happened 7 days ago. The weekend flew by and so has the week. It’s starting to sink in, but not fully. I know as certain events come up (birthdays, anniversaries, the wedding) his presence will be missed much more. It’s hard to see grieving family and not be able to reach out and make it better. It takes time, but I wish I had a time machine and could make it all better. One things for sure, he will never be forgotten .

Everyone seems to be leaving us. Not only death, but moving away. I think it’s actually starting to sink in that two of my best friends are moving away. I don’t get much hang out time as it is, but when I do, I like to spend it with them. I know I can always call them, but seeing them and hearing their day to day personalities I’m going to miss terribly. I think I’m going to miss Melissa more because I know she’s not coming back. Back to visit, but she will never live across town again. Then there is always the possibility she will be in another country. People are moving on and moving away and I’m still here. In Tallahassee, stagnant. I do not have a problem with living here; I love being surrounded by family, but friends are starting to become sparse.

I’ve needed to portrait something recently and I could never find a way to express it until now. The other day I was blog surfing and came across the perfect excerpt. A new mom was saying she was not feeling complacent, and that’s exactly how I feel. Let me first give a disclaimer that I’m not a depressed unhappy person. I love my family, my husband, my baby, but at the same time I’m feeling lost of my own self identity. I’ve got into a grove of day to day life and pushed Caroline aside. I don’t feel life needs to be all about me, but at the same time I need to make sure I still feel like myself, and be able to define who ‘myself’ is. I’m a wife, a mom, student, a coworker, but who am I when I’m alone? What do I enjoy doing? It’s complicated because I’m not necessarily trying to find hobbies to fill my free time, but fine simple day to day things that define me, and make me happy. I want the inside to be bursting outward. When my children are grown or don’t “need me” anymore I don’t want to be walking around aimlessly having a mid life crisis. I want to be satisfied with my relationship with the Lord, my husband, my friends, my family. I want to know them and for them to know me.

Speaking of hobbies, I think Davy and I are going to take a beginners dance class. It’s just a 5 session class that teaches the basics of different dance genres. We are doing it solely to not look like idiots on our wedding day. We can “booty” dance, but that’s about it. I want us to look somewhat graceful during the slow songs. And if I enjoy it, I might even take up personal lessons for some outside enjoyment. I pass a dance studio every day after work and love watching the people dancing. I want to branch out and I think it’s a good way to try something new.

Speaking of new (wow, that is getting long), here is some stuff Moses is doing lately:
1. blows “raspberries” aka toot noises on any bare skin he can find! I’ll be holding him and all the sudden this loud embarrassing noise comes sounding off my arm. He thinks it’s so funny!
2. puts his lips in “whisle form” for no reason at all. He will make an “o” with his lips and just look at you. I’m not sure if he is just gaining control of those muscles or the wind in his mouth feels foreign to him, but he does it all the time now.
3. eating plenty of baby food. I started making my own food and he seems to enjoy everything I’ve mashed up so far. We have not tried any table food yet because I’m too afraid he will choke, but in time he will be eating everything I’m sure.
4. stands up by himself for long periods of time. Before we would have to hold him up then let go of his hands to make him stand alone, but now he will just crawl up to something, stand up, then let go.
5. he claps all the time. I tried to “Pavlov dog” him into every time I say “yay” he claps, and for the most part it works. He will even stand stationary and clap…it’s adorable!
6. he will be 8 months old next week and I’m shocked! I will continue to say it for the rest of his life, but he’s growing up so fast.

twentyfive.

A peace that surpasses all understanding.
Today, standing in the kitchen washing a sink full of dishes, I understood that saying for the first time in my life. Surpassing all understanding, meaning I don’t understand. A peace, which I don’t get, is going beyond everything I don’t understand and calming me. Not that it’s not sad, not that I haven’t mourned or cried, but inside there is a peace. People say the cliché phrases like “he’s in a better place” and “he’s at peace”, but he truly is no longer suffering here on earth. No one knows his heart, I pray his heart was softened into eternity, but at least he is no longer fighting every day to be here on earth.
All the preparation and talking doesn’t matter when I’m sitting in the fax room and here Davy’s voice on the other end. So many times I played out that phone conversation in my head, imaging how I would feel and what we would do. When the actual phone call came I didn’t think it would be “the call”…. It was.
Today it’s easier, easier for everyone. It comes in waves. The pictures aren’t getting me as much as the memories. When I think about what is actually happening, it gets me. Right now it’s still so fresh. So many people, and so much food, o the constant state of fullness! Monday will be tough, next week when something reminds me of him and I bust into tears will be hard, but eventually this abnormal will start to sound more normal. The previous sentence doesn’t even make sense yet!
I know he’s not in pain, but I still miss him. The pain is knowing he won’t be at the house tomorrow, or next week. He won’t be in a tux in November or on the bench at Moses’ little league games. I have to think on a non selfish level and understand he was hurting so much; to wish he would continue on (in pain) would only cause me joy.
I know this is super sad. I wasn’t trying to be sad. I definitely don’t want to go into anything morbid. I don’t want to offend or upset, I just felt like opening up. I’m not blogging because I’m trying to push it deep down or not share in person- I just needed to be honest and open tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new wave.

twentyfour.

I want to take more pictures. I love photography. I used to take more creative pictures and enjoy photoshopping. Once everyone around me got more involved and became more skilled than me, I kind of lost my love for it. I guess I just started to enjoy looking and lusting after theirs and not even bother trying to pull out my camera. I was browsing blogs and saw someone who took a picture of their little kid at each “month” birthday in a cute numbered onsie and I wish I would have done that! I still regret not getting those newborn shots of Moses, although I was such a emotional mess I don’t know how I would have been able to handle it. I need to get back into it. Even if it’s just snapping one each day or capturing the littlest moment, it needs to happen. I have so many I’ve never posted or touched because I’m so obsessed with finishing them just right I get too distracted and overwhelmed at the project. I’m promising myself by next Friday I will have uploaded, minimally touched up, and printed new pictures! Mark my words!
P.S. Moses got some 6 month pictures taken my aunty Sarah that I need to get and post. I was so mad he was at the beginning of being sick/not sleeping so he wasn’t very happy and smiley like he normally is, but his shirt is just so dang cute I hope at least one turned out!
P.P.S. I have the BEST photo wall art project I’m going to tackle once Wedding planning is out of the way ( I say it like I don’t LOVE IT). It will take planning and time and decent money, and the last thing I want is to rush it. O I can’t wait to post picture of it next year ; )

twentythree.

Moses finally ate food!!!!!! FINALLY!!
I felt like this day would never come. All the times we’ve tried for the past 8 or so weeks felt like a big fail when he would tighten his lips and reject everything. We had tried everything, and nothing would go down. Well Friday night while at Target I ventured down the baby food isle once again and decided on a couple new flavors. So far Moses has not like the green beans, sweet potatoes, rice cereal, or bananas (except for the one time fluke he ate a couple bites). They offer 10 different options for the Stage 1 so I was limited to my selection. I picked up squash and carrots. Saturday morning I decided to try yet again the failure of feeding. I opened up the carrots, didn’t mix with anything in fear it was just a waste, and gave it a try. Sure enough he opened his mouth, I loaded in the carrots, and he swallowed with no funny faces. I then did it again, and again, and again… Moses decided he was going to enjoy his carrots Saturday, twice! Once for breakfast and once again at dinner time. I was so worried he would never get here, and like always, he did things on his own time! I was even more surprised that none of it was spit up and his poop cycle seems to be pretty normal still. Just for kicks last night I mixed him up some rice cereal and he decided he would eat a little bit of that too! In all my excitement I’ve bought all 10 Stage 1 food so we can try something new each week. Eventually I plan on making my own food, but for now, while he’s starting out (and I’m too stressed to think of a new project), he’s enjoying Gerbers!

twentytwo.

To move to another rental in October or not?
To buy a house next year or not?
To buy a new car in the next year or not?
To guarantee I won’t be able to be a stay home mom in the next 5 years or not?
When to have another child…. Or not (due to financial binding)?

So many questions! I love having adult money but I hate when it comes down to many important decisions not knowing the future! I guess no one can really “know the future” but it would be nice to understand the direction or things before leaping (or signing) into something so serious! If we decide to not save for a new car and my car breaks, then what? If we decide to buy a house but 1 income will never pay for everything, then what? All the “then what’s” stop me before we’ve even begun. I know I need to TRUST everything will work out, but I also know we need to feel peace and make some kind of decision in the near future. I never thought about buying a house until 1 day it popped in our heads “why are we spending 9,000 a year for no reason” why not put money into a mortgage to own? And of course all these serious questions come up only 4 months away from the wedding…. Like I don’t already have enough to think about and plan!

Things we do know:
1. Our lease is up in October, we need to decide in the next 2 months if we are going to sign another year long lease.
2. We do want to add onto our family in the next 5 years

Things we don’t know:
EVERYTHING ELSE! J

Moses will be 7 months on Wednesday. I’ll say it every month, but I can’t believe he’s that old! I feel like everything past 6 months isn’t “baby” baby anymore! Before I know it he’ll be 1!
Things 7 month old Moses does:
- Crawls…. Everywhere! He’s pretty fast, especially when he gets excited to see you!
- Climbs over toys, people and whatever stands in his way. its so funny to watch him maneuver around objects to get to where he’s going. He has no fear of the other side when climbing up something.
- Pulls up on everything, including the wall. I feel bad for the top of his foot because he will put his hands on the wall and just walk right up to a standing position… I guess because he’s so young it doesn’t hurt his ankles
- Stands for a while and shifts to where he wants to stand
- Reaches for toys while standing. I’m shocked how good his balance is when he wants something. He will stand holding onto the ottoman, slowly bend his body to the side, pick up his toy, and then stand straight again to bring his toy to the ottoman. I love how independent he’s become in some areas!
This 7 month Moses doesn’t do:
- Eat ANY food. I’m talking rice cereal, any fruit puree or vegetable puree! We try, and we try, and we try a different way, or food, or cereal… but nothing! I’m not too worried since he’s in the 90% percentile for height/ weight… but it would make life so much more adventurous if he wasn’t anything besides the breast!
- Sleep through the night/ sleep for a long period of time. Moses is the king of short naps and late nights! Most nights going to bed at 11pm is a treat! He stays up as late at 12:30 even if he’s acting exhausted. He gets back up in the middle of the night and then back up normally before 7. We’ve been working on some different methods, but he’s just not a sleeper.
Maybe once food comes then longer sleep cycles will start. That’s what I’m praying for!

twentyone.

Money sucks!

I’ve been extra stressed about money lately and today it’s been laid on me BIG TIME! I’ve been having mouth/teeth/gum issues for a couple months but keep avoiding it thinking it will magically go away. Well yesterday something happened and now my mouth is in a ton of pain. We don’t have dental insurance because I never thought we needed it. I started calling around today and the fees are not that bad. I then found out most insurance you have to wait 1 month before they can be activated, great! Now what? I call for prices with no insurance and they are SO EXPENSIVE! It looks like I’m going to pay out of pocked for the first visit and assessment and then just wait around in pain until Sept. 1st when the plan goes into effect. Serves me right for putting it off, but now I’m in pain and want the pain to stop NOW!

Another big expense and even bigger step in our lives is Moses started going to a home day care full time! I don’t know how many times I’ve said I’ll never be a working mom and put my kids in day care, but life has taken many different turns and here we are, working and going to day care! It’s a home day care so she only watched 6 kids full time. We happen to know one of the little boys, who is a week older than Moses, so it’s exciting he has a little buddy at day care. He seemed to be adjusting well the first week but now on a daily basis he just wants to be held. He cries if she leaves the room and crawls over to her to be held if she’s in the room! I know it’s an adjustment, and I know its best for him to learn how to play with other kids, it just makes me sad to know he cries. But I guess it’s easier for him to cry over there than to cry at grandma’s house, because grandma will just hold him and that’s making him addicted to being held! Over the weekends we make sure we play with him on the floor a lot and I don’t mind giving him lots of hugs to make sure he’s getting his weekly dosage J

Our new favorite thing he does: Laughs sucking in, like a reverse laugh. It almost sounds like a big gasp or acting like he just saw a ghost, but he’ll get himself so excited when he just sucked in really loud for a long time and cracks us up. As if he was too excited to make a real laugh. His personality is blossoming so much and it’s so entertaining to just watch him.

He now likes to crawl over to the foyer and pouts! He will crawl to the door, sit down, and cry/ whine until you convince him to crawl over to you!

He still has his “lucky” fin, and as cute as it is, I hope it’s not a physical disability because then I would feel really bad for joking about it. He seems to be able to crawl on it and use that hand just fine, but for some reason he just loves to flap it around to feel everything out. When he was getting his six month pictures taken last week he just sat there and his “fin hand” rose up slightly off the ground hanging there. I’ll ask the doctor next time we go in if he feels anything wrong, but hopefully it’s just a Moses trait.

Like if we don’t already have enough going on in life, we are thinking about moving when our lease is up in October! I’m not stressing about it, but the thought of looking for a new place is stress enough!

twenty.

I’m sorry I always start the blog with an update about Moses, but I just can’t help that he’s growing up so fast!
Our newest update is he’s an official crawler. I feel like it wasn’t even a month ago when he started sitting up unsupported and now he’s moving all over the house. He would first start by getting in the crawling position and then raise his back legs really high and kind of fall forward, then he realized it’s a hand AND leg thing, and now he’s crawling everywhere. Sometimes he’ll do the strange crab-walk like crawl and other times it will be the classic crawl. Just last night I was laying on my bed and here he comes down the hall way just crawling right past my door. With him being so active, we are having the baby proof the house already. He loves electronics and any kind of cord. Even when Davy hides the Xbox/ DVD player with a towel, he’ll crawl right over, pull the towel away, and go straight for them!
His other big update he started doing last week was pulling himself up on things. When he first did it, it took us by surprise that all the sudden he was standing next to the couch! Now we’ve gotten used to it and try to keep an eye on him. I feel like the crawling to standing period was so short lived. Hs new found freedom needs to be closely monitored because once he starts standing there, he tries to move around and tumbles over. He hasn’t figured out that he can sit back down, so he’ll just stand for a long time and then either cry for help or fall over.
This last update I don’t even want to say because I can’t believe its happening, and feel like he’s some kind of daredevil freak! This past weekend he was holding on to Davy standing up and then let go and just stood on his own for a second before grabbing back on! We were shocked and couldn’t believe it until he did it a couple more times over the weekend. I hope he doesn’t keep trying to do it and just enjoys crawling for now. It’s hard to watch his dare devil self all the time when before I could just let him sit still playing with toys!
Still no food. We’ve tried, but he just spits it out and hates it. He’s been waking up a lot at night now and I’m hoping once he eats some food it will keep him full and satisfied during the night. We went for his 6 month check up last week and he was 17.7 lbs and 28 inches long. The doctor said he’s growing fine because both of those stats are in the “90th percentile”, but I just hope he starts sleeping better because it’s really taking a toll on me at work!
In other news, I’ve become obsessed with the Twlight saga. I made fun of my girlfriends for so long for liking it, and then I finally netflix the movie and loved it! The following week I borrow the 2nd book and read that in a week and now I’m onto the 3rd book. I forgot how much I enjoy reading an attention grabbing book. I love being able to pick it up anytime and be right back in the story. It’s hard to sit down and enjoy movies with a baby, but with a book I don’t have to worry about finishing it all in one sitting, just enjoying it when I have time.
This past weekend we celebrated Davy’s 23rd and Alex’s 2nd birthday. For Davy’s birthday we went out Saturday night to dinner and around downtown for drinks and dancing. I had lots of fun but have no idea how people party all the time. We were both wiped out Sunday and it was hard to bounce back for Alex’s birthday party. For the birthday party some of Davy’s family I’ve never met came into town and it was really nice meeting them. It’s interesting to see how truly different our families our and how no one in his family is anything like my family. I’m surprised Davy and I get along so well coming from such different backgrounds! Since David isn’t doing too well at all, some family came from far away to kind of see him for the last time. It was really sad to remember the real reason they were there and I chocked up watching them give goodbye hugs. I don’t really want to open that topic up right now, but I just don’t understand how I can be laughing and talking and looking at someone whose supposed to die in a couple months. It’s not fair, I don’t understand, and I don’t want it to happen. I can’t imagine what its like for David and I think it’s wonderful how he can still have a positive attitude day to day.
Sorry to end that on a bad.
I promise to post pictures with my blogs one of these days!

nineteen.

July starts tomorrow, I can’t believe it! I think I say this every time I look at the date, but I can’t believe how fast life is passing by. Moses will be 6 months on Sunday, 6 months!! I love looking back and seeing how much he’s grown and developed into such a little person. Now he sits up like a pro, can reach for his toys and pull them to him, and even move himself around. I wouldn’t call it crawling yet, but he gets up on all fours, or twos and can turn and scoot around. It takes him a while to get from point A to B, but he’s very determined and won’t let a few spills stop him. Just last night he took us both off guard by standing himself up. We don’t encourage it too much because it scares us once he stands up it’s a quick fall over if he’s not holding on. He scooted himself over to Davy (sitting Indian style) and grabbed onto his leg and stood straight up. And then later last night he was sitting by the couch and just leaned over, put his hands on the top of the couch, and was standing right next to me. I’m excited about all his new moves, but hoping his body is developed enough to handle what he’s putting it though… but I guess if he can do it then so can his body! This week its time to baby proof the house and make sure no cords or wires are sticking up because he loves any electronics that he’s not supposed to touch!
I’ve been wanting to blog about food for a while now and just now getting around to it. I know he’s not 6 months yet, but Moses hates the idea of food. We have tried for weeks to feed him the rice cereal but he turns his head and spits it right now. He doesn’t even seem interested in putting this new substance in his mouth. The other week I tried sweet potatoes just to see if it was a taste preference and I nearly chocked him. Still no luck. So this past Saturday, after another failed attempt by Davy to give him bananas, we had given up. Davy was about to toss to bowl while moses and I stood in the kitchen. davy was explaining that it didn’t taste that bad and gave me a bite. Then he took a spoon full and pretended to feed Moses, and he ate it! Just like that, put it in his mouth and swallowed. So he tried another bite, and Moses ate it again! After a couple more we moved the feeding into the high chair while Moses ate a few more bites before rejecting altogether. We were so excited even though it was short lived. Its gives us hope for the coming weeks! I just hope give I’m not picky that he won’t be picky with his food selection! And once I know he will start eating I’m going to try to make our own baby food which should be an adventure!
Wedding stuff is coming together. More meetings with more vendors and hopefully nailing down a few more big components. I’m exciting to see it coming together but nervous how quick it’s coming!
I had more to say but got distracted so now I’m lost in thought!

eighteen.

This past week:
I have really noticed how well Moses can sit up now. Just all the sudden he decided he can balance pretty well! I put the Bobby behind him in case he tumbles over, followed by a bunch of toys in front of him and he’s a happy baby! We will also put him down in the crawl position and he will just stay in the position frozen and look at you very confused! So the crawl is not quit there, but I have a feel it’s not too far behind.
Jason, Davy’s brother, his girlfriend Miheala and son Evan came in town this week to hang out with the family. Despite the circumstances, it was so nice seeing them, especially Micheala because she’s real fun to talk to and loves food just like me! We spent every night after work at the Waldmans just hanging out, which made every night a late night for me, so I was pretty tired yesterday. Thankfully Moses slept so good last night (finally only waking up once in the night like he used to) and the best part was he stayed in his bed all night so I got quality sleep! I took off yesterday for some extra hangout time with everyone so today feels so much like a Monday, but I’m very pleased to keep remembering the weekend is just starting!
Tomorrow I’m going down to Jacksonville to look for a wedding dress and hopefully bridesmaid’s dresses. I’ve decided I wasn’t completely happy with the purple we originally picked out for their dresses, and since it’s my wedding, why not have it just how I want it! I’m just hoping we’re all as successful as I picture in my mind!
So much is going on right now that keeps us busy; time is just passing by. With work, Moses, online class, and any kind of social life, the weeks and months pass as if they were single days. Before I know it the wedding will be next week! I can’t believe it’s already summer and Moses is 5 months old! People say it to me at least once a day about how quick time flies by and soon he’ll be grown, but sadly, they’re so right. Looking at him sitting there, alone, playing with his toys really made me see just how grown he is! It’s something I want to remember to savor and enjoy each stage of his life. I’m so eager for him to hurry and eat and crawl and all these things that I’m not looking at him right now and being happy for how he is now. I can already tell its going to be rough to stop nursing. Even though it can be a challenge and annoying at times taking a break for the day to find a quite room, I still love it and love the connection we have. Like when he nurses to fall asleep and he just cuddles next to me, it’s like a silent I love you.
We love him so much, I’m so happy how life has turned out.

seventeen.

( I wrote this blog a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it! so lets just say it was the last week in May :) )

What Moses has been up to:
He does this really funny thing with his right arm now. Whenever he’s mad, crying, sleepy, basically expressing any emotion, he’ll wave his arm up and down. Open fist and just waves it up and down as high as it will go. It’s so cute to hear him slapping it down on his leg or in his seat when he’s screaming in the car (getting better, but still hates to sit in his seat). Then when he’s tired and eating he will hold the arm up to his head and stroke his face. We love seeing his personality coming out this early.
He practically jumps out of your arms now. Loves to face forward or whichever your body isn’t turned! He’s getting so heavy it really takes a toll on my arms to hold him for long periods of time.
Smiles so much now. I love by just saying two words to him this huge grin appears on his face. Most of the time when someone else makes him smile and I’m holding him, he’ll bury his face in my neck like he’s shy and embarrassed! It’s so cute because he will do it over and over again.
He plays peak a boo with any kind of blanket he’s holding. It could be a burp cloth, shirt, anything, and he’ll take it and put it up on his head over his eyes and then pull it off real quick. Every time he pulls it down I try to say peak a boo really excited so he knows it’s a fun game. He will sit there and pull it up and down 15 times in a row and just smile big when he pulls it down. I know he doesn’t really understand “peak a boo” yet, but he loves whatever game he thinks he’s playing in his head.
Last night we tried to give him rice cereal for the first time. I only did ½ tablespoon of cereal because I didn’t want to constipate him. Once we mixed it, it appeared so watery it just looked like we were feeing him milk with a spoon. At first he sucked on the spoon a little but it kept dripping out of his mouth. Then after a few bites he just gave us weird looks and let each spoonful fall out of him mouth. I know he won’t be a pro the first time, but I don’t think he’s as ready as I thought he was. Maybe we got him at a bad time, or maybe he’s just not as interested in his food as he is everything else people eat. We will try again one morning on the weekend and see how round 2 goes. I took pictures and will post some soon.

Wedding plans are coming together. Met with a florist I really liked and hope to use. We ordered peacock feathers and some things for the isles this past weekend, but still have lots of work to do. It just feels good purchasing and reserving and making things permanent. The only thing that sucks is how expensive everything is! All this planning and money for one big day, and then its all over! I want things to be pretty and fun and delicious…. But the littlest details are adding up so quick! I hope to stay somewhat in our budget.
Another exciting thing that will be happening in the next couple weeks is down payment for the honeymoon! 95% sure we are going on a cruise, but I’ll tell all the details once those details are finalized!
Not that its happening anytime soon, so I need to calm down, but small talk of new vehicles has been discussed. My car is 10 years old this year and its definitely feeling old. We are getting some work done on it to make it last a little longer, but I know its day is coming and when that day comes, we need to be ready with a new car! We would never buy brand new, but any car over a 2004 is so exciting for me! It probably won’t happen until next year, but just the talk of it made my mind go wild! Now I have all this time to think about what I want. First thought being I want a Pilot of Highlander… but who knows!

sixteen.

As of late:
I started a “biggest loser” challenge at work last week. I was hesitant to even sign up because it was so easy to make excuses to not eat healthy and work out like I should, but I figured this is the best motivation that’s come my way in a while, so I took on the challenge full force. Last week we went to Publix and got tons of veggies and healthy snacks and food. I cut and prepped veggies and fruit so the excuses to eat healthy were barely there! my goal is to do cardio on our treadmill M W F (since davy’s home to help hold moses) and then everyday for 20 min during lunch do the stairs and parking garage at work. Even though its not very intense, its helps get my rate heart up and moving and motivated for the day. I got some floor exercises (abs, butt, ect) from davy’s co worker and I need to start doing those this week! Its definitely I lot of work and takes self control- but I have to be in control, otherwise I’ll never lose this weight! I wanted to take a picture last week but forgot, so maybe tonight I will take some “before” shots.
My first week weigh in was this morning and I’ve lost a 1 ½ lbs! I was hoping to at least loose so I was happy about that, but not happy about my weekend eating so I knew the weight lose wasn’t going to be significant. NO EXCUSES is my motto, wish me luck for the next 7 weeks!
My first mothers day was good, but too long. After church we went to my mom’s for a grill out and the little kids played in the water for a while. Then headed over to the Waldman’s for a little visit. My 7 I was exhausted and just wanted to cuddle up in my new sheets the boys got me! Monday has hit me pretty hard, maybe because the sheets (and snuggling Moses) felt to good to leave!
Moses is mobile now I hope he can start sitting up soon so I can actually sit him on the ground to play. Right now all he wants to do is jump out of your arms and bit everything. Then when you put him down he air swims and scoots himself in little circles trying to wiggle away. I feel bad for him because he tried so hard to move his legs, but nothing happens. I keep saying I can’t wait for him to be mobile on his own, but then I know the day that comes I have to baby proof the house and watch him a lot closer!
He has successfully learned how to raise his voice. Not crying, but just randomly belting out a yell when he’s playing! I’ve been terrible about updating any pictures of him this last month, just last night I pulled a couple hundred pictures off the camera! Hopefully by the end of this week I’ll have a few posted on here.
Wedding plans are coming along, slowly but surely. This past month we really got refocused and started seriously looking into vendors and ideas. The biggest thing is trying to figure out what’s most important and how to make the budget stretch for everything I want! Regardless, I know it’s going to be a great day, I wish I could just foresee the future and then move backwards and plan! The end of this month heading to Jacksonville to look for a dress because I’m not sure how set I am on the one I found in town. Tonight we meet with a florist and I really hope he works out.

Ps. Another big problem we are running into is daytime care of Moses. Since Davy’s mom got a job we are out of a sitter 2 days a week, and my mom just expressed last week she can’t watch him 2 full days. It’s just hard figuring out what we are going to do and how to make it fit in our budget and how to trust that the person watching Moses will take good care of him…. It makes me want even more to stay at home with him, but it’s still not an option I just pray that something will come along soon that will solve this problem!

fifteen.

I’m not ready for him to go. I’ve only been a daughter-in-law for 5 months, I’m not ready to say goodbye. Moses hasn’t even said Grandpa yet, he hasn’t even seen Moses and Alex play T ball or baseball. He hasn’t seen Davy all dressed up in his tux or all his grandkids. I knew the cancer would take him one day, but I thought we had more time. I want to have more time. I’m not ready. And as much as I’m not ready, I can’t imagine how he feels. Knowing this is nearing the end, this will kill him and it’s only a matter or time. I don’t understand why God does this to people. How can people want to say You are Lord and you’re in charge at the same time the cancer is eating away their body. If anything this makes angry towards God because they don’t understand, I don’t understand. I’m not ready. I’ve been prepping myself saying things like when not if but now that the end is nearing inside feels like a mess. Not only am I not ready for this day to come, but I’m not ready for the days to follow. How is this going to affect the family? Will people ever be able to bounce back? Be okay after X amount of time… I’m not ready. Is it time for him to accept Him? Not that I can even comprehend forever, but I don’t want to think I’ll forever never see him again…. I’m not ready, but maybe He is?

fourteen.

Two weekends ago we went to Destin to stay with my mom and little sister for her spring break. Moses hates the car so much we were really anxious about the 2 ½ hour car ride! We spoke with a doctor friend of ours who told us a little medicine cocktail to give him that would make him sleep like a baby. We felt really guilty for drugging him but knew if we didn’t he would just be miserable for hours. The cocktail worked and we had a sleeping baby the entire way to Destin. The weather wasn’t the best, lots of wind and chilly at times, so we never made it down to the beach with Moses. He did however get into the pool for the first time! The water was freezing but he didn’t seem to mind. We played in the pool for just a few minutes and then back upstairs to get warm. The condo had a big whirlpool so with our bathing suits still on we got into the tub and turned the jets on. Moses loved the “warm pool” and just leaned back and floated until his fingers pruned! Overall the weekend was fun and I can’t wait to take more beach adventures this summer when he’s old enough to face the windy beach! (I know I’m almost two weekends behind, but I’ll catch up soon with more pictures!

thirteen.

Today I’m feeling bummed. Bummed that I’m not at the park or on a play date with Moses. I think reading Matt Logelin’s blog too much has caused me to become sad of all the moments I’m missing with Moses. Watching him play with Verity at church yesterday was the first time I’ve ever seen him interact with another baby and I wish I could give him so many more of those play times. I know he’s in good hands, and he sees Beau (8 months old) twice a week at Danyell’s, but I just wish I could be more of a mother. I understand why I need to work, I get it, but am I put in this situation and not the same situation as so many of my other peers who get to be stay home moms…. Even part time stay at home mom would satisfy me. Would if we don’t have anymore kids and this is the only time I’m ever going to experience our child at age 3 months and 1 day? Today I’m feeling bummed.
On a different note, things I’m looking forward to. July 4th weekend going to the family reunion. The family seems to mesh well, as long as we all keep our respective distance after a day or so- so the idea of having all the husbands and kids coming to the reunion is going to be so much fun. Plus I’ve never been (or at least don’t remember) Nashville, hopefully we can find some extra activities to do besides reunion planned events. I’m also really excited about Mother’s Day next month! I remember last Mother’s Day only being a 10 or so weeks along and no one really knew so when they had all the moms stand up to be honored at church, I thought about it, but didn’t dare make it known yet. So this year I can’t wait to proudly stand as it being my first official Mother’s Day. And the last thing, which seems like so far away, is the wedding in November! We have been talking about it for so long already, but so much of the planning and deposits and finalizing has to be done! And then what comes after the wedding, the cruise! Oh I need to chill out because we still have 6 months, but I’m SO EXCITED about everything coming up!
I need to seriously jump drive some pictures from my laptop to add to these blogs, Moses is cuter than ever!

twelve.

I wish more of my friends where pregnant/ having babies right now. It’s hard I only have a couple married friends which none are even thinking of kids right now. I read my friend’s blog and see how she has all these friends with babies and they have play dates and do things together and I’m jealous of those relationships that are so easy for me to relate to. I know my girlfriends love Moses, but they aren’t moms yet, and can’t relate to so many things I want to discuss or get advice on. I want to talk about details that only new mom’s care about. I crave those relationships but at the same time, I work full time and I would never have the time to make play dates or have those conversations.
It’s tough being torn between the life of a stay home mom or the life of college and full time career mom. Of course right now I don’t have any option but to work full time and so its not that hard to pick, but just talking in the future and having to decide what I want to do. I love the thought of having a fulfilling career and researching and exploring things I enjoy, but at the same time, I want to be able to pick up Moses from school and be at his games and cook dinner for Davy and be a good housewife. What job starts at 8 and gets over at 3, and is in the field of psychology? That’s the job I need! One positive thing I see for the future is when Moses graduates high school, I’ll be 38! To me, 38 is definitely a young enough age to go back to work or explore different areas of my career….. life isn’t over after 40 either, so I have hope for the future!
I don’t want to be that mom that thinks her baby is so advanced and better than all the other babies. When I talk about Moses’ progression it’s simply because it fascinates me and I love to see him growing up. The only time I ever see babies close to him age are for 10 minuets at church on Sunday’s so in reality I don’t even know how he compares to other babies, but as far as soon! I can tell (according for our baby book) he’s not lacking in anything!
He’s such a droller! Oh my gosh, he soaks through clothes and bib’s like it’s a competition! He loves to chew on his hands, or our fingers, or anything he can stuff in his mouth. We got him a RaZberry teether (looks like I giant raspberry shaped pacifier) and he likes to chew on that. He puts everything on the side of his mouth so he can press his gums hard against it. I’m happy it gives him relief but I hope he doesn’t start chomping on me anytime soon!

eleven.

I’ve been reading a bunch of people’s blogs lately and decided I would love to stay on top of my journaling just to see the progression of Moses and life instead of trying to recall all those little precious moments.
The biggest milestone this month was on the same day: Moses rolled from his stomach to back AND slept in his crib for the first time. He rolled over at Grandma’s house when I was at work ( of course I miss the first first milestone!) and then later when I got home Davy showed me if he lays down and cries long enough he will push himself over! He only did it a few times when we was angry and then a week or so later he was just cooing in the monitor so I went into his room and he had quietly flipped himself over! Jumping back to that big milestone day, I decided to put him in his crib that night because of the event that look place the night before in his bassinette. In the middle of the night he started crying (normally would only wiggle in the night) so I learned my arm over to hold his hand and all the sudden I felt his head in a weird position. He was still crying hard so I looked over and saw his body turned completely horizontal in the bassinette and his face smashed up against the side of the wall cocked in a way I knew he was in pain. I tried to push his body but he had wiggled himself so far horizontally that he was literally stuck! So I jumped up and pulled him out of the bed and just cuddled him. I felt so bad for him because I knew he was getting too big for the bassinette but just had been lazy about putting him in the bed because I didn’t want to have to get up 10 times in the middle of the night to make sure he was okay. So that night was his first night in the crib away from us. I rolled blankets up next to him and cuddled him up tight. Its been so many weeks I can’t really remember, but I know I only had to go in his room a few times to pat him. He’s now been in the bed for weeks and we go in there 2 or 3 times a night to put his covers back on him and “shhsh” him.
He is getting so big and has progressed so much its crazy to think he was only born 3 months ago. This weekend he rolled over stomach to back for the first time while Davy was trying to change his diaper on the bed. He’s also started to sit up in the “Bumbo” seat for 5/10 min. at a time and LOVES watching the TV. Nothing in particular on TV, but just the constant movements on the screen fascinates him. He also still loves to look in the mirror. In the dressing room at Target last week he was making himself smile and coo by looking at the reflection of himself smiling in the mirror! I got a picture of it- I’ll try to upload it in the blog.
When he was younger he used to just sit and stare at the big mirror above our couch that has a dark frame around it. we thought he liked the contrast of a white wall and dark frame so when he would fuss we would hold him where he could see the mirror and say “look at your frame” and he was just calm down and star!
I know this blog is jumping all over the place, it’s just I haven’t wrote all these little memories down in so long when they come to mind I want to type them out as quick as I can!

A NEW START. ten.

I wrote this when Moses was 7 weeks old. I have a few more blogs on my home computer that I will post so the last 3 months come together and somewhat flow.

Moses has started sleeping more and more during the night the past few weeks. I
never have to wake up and do a middle of the night feeding. He was going to bed
around 2 and then sleeping until 7/8 or so, but now we have slowly moved him
back until closed to 12:30/1. My first work of week was last week and by the
time Friday night came around I really wanted to sleep in Saturday. So I guess
Moses knew I needed some sleep because he slept from 12:30 to 9:30. he will
start waking up but if we put his passey in his mouth he will fall back asleep
for ten min and then wiggle around so we repeat the process. Sometimes he will
just do that for about an hour before he is actually ready to get up. Its
wonderful knowing once he goes down he’s down for the night. i can’t believe he
will be “2 months” old next Thursday! I can no longer say he’s __ old in weeks,
but now he’s months old! He’s getting so big right before my eyes.
His new
thing this week is liking us hold his hand when he goes to bed or fussy. I’ll
lay him down and grab his hand and push it up nice and close to his body. Maybe
he feels like he’s secure and not alone when we do it, but it brings him instant
comfort and I love it!