Hello, it’s me, Avoidance.

Hello, it’s me, Avoidance. Half the time I want to press my fingers hard against the keys and sloppily right out everything I am feeling at the exact moment I’m feeling it. I want to be raw, guted, exposed. The other half the time I’m keeping it all buried it deep down in the corner or my heart reversed for those not so sunny days. It’s a strange medium to feel so much on the inside and on the outside you’re happily smiling at a co worker walking by or saying a funny remark on Twitter. 
 

Who am I really, internet? 

I am loving, caring, loyal. I’m Mommy, Babe, Caroline. I’m also the 20-something year old family who struggles, or the insecure post baby body woman, or the frustrated friend. It’s so easy to keep it surface but what about my promise to open up with myself on these pages? I thought this was my space and the only other people who read it are those who support and care about me?

Things have been a little rough this week. Reality is hitting hard and my thoughts are busy crunching numbers, praying, spending time sulking, praying some more, watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD, relying on God, and eating sweets. I can’t believe I just turned this not so humorous reality into a whitty sentence. I guess because deep down I know God will provide even if it’s not in the capacity I’m imagining; really there is no reason to be so in the dumps about it like I have been. If you’re married, or simply a paying bills “real” adult you understand money struggles can be stressful. I’ve just let the stress beat me down big time.

For the past couple months things have been slowly changing for our family. It’s a strange thing what stress and decisions will make you do; mostly for the better. We’re growing, we’re being molded, we’re changing. I’ve realized some things about my life that I have been so naive not to see. I’ve also had time to figure out some things I really love and want to do more of. Maybe some of those things will become memories written down on these pages or maybe they will be things that will take me away from these pages all together.

Hello, it’s me, Honesty.

Passy? {what passy}

I’m premature in writing this but maybe that’s just what I need; to make it real. I knew this day had been coming but just wasn’t sure when or how it would work. The conversation, the aftermath, the backlash; all leading up to the moment our house no longer owns passies.

Passy has been a dear friend to Moses since the first week he came home but now that he is THREE and can fully articulate a conversation the pacifier has got to go. He only has it for bedtime (not even weekday naps) however he treasures that time it brings him comfort. Before bed while he was picking out stories I started to tell him one day he will have to say goodbye to it. That he is a big boy now and his baby friends are the only ones who should have passies. We talked about who his baby friends were (all those who are around 1 years old) and how it would make me very proud if he shared and let them have his passies. I don’t how it transitioned from one day to today but it did and it happened. I tucked it under my leg and just like that we started reading.

He asked for it and by the time I laid him down he decided he no longer wanted to share. The begging turned to crying and frustration. I kept reassuring him he was big and didn’t need one anymore…that I was proud of him for sharing. It’s funny how he finds such comfort in sucking rubber to put him to sleep. In a desperate plea for help he leaned into my neck and slightly bit/ sucked on my skin for a moment hoping it was a passy. We both laughed knowing how silly he was being.

A few moments after I left his room I heard him in the hallway running into my arms. A few more minutes later I walked back in the hall to find him standing by the door telling me he was sick and threw up. He showed me his spit in the toilet and turned into a Drama King overacting his faux feelings. A few more reassuring talks and back rubs later he was asleep. He did it; he put himself to sleep without a passy! And he went all night without waking for it once.

This morning he came into my bed and suddenly remember I had a green passy in my hand the night before while reading stories…and he wanted it. No way was that going to happen. I hid it in a place he will never look hoping yesterday was the last day ever he’ll have one. My goal now is to continue to tell him how proud we are for his decision and then find every single passy that’s hiding in the house and put them away before he finds it!As weird as this may sound I'm slightly emotional about this big step in his toddler-hood! 

Just one more way he's becoming bigger and bigger and bigger as he puts it.

A sneak peak

I'd call the birthday party a success. 

What's in a 3 year old {a lot}

I’m calling it writers block even though I don’t consider myself a writer. All week I’ve had topics come to mine and even have pictures ready to load…but I just couldn’t do it. I was active with other social media, I went to the gym, I worked on the birthday party, but I could do the blog. Until today.

This is one of those posts I WANT to write so I can look back and remember the stats. I’m terrible with stats and if people ask how much did he weight at his first birthday I wouldn’t know if it was 15 or 25 pounds!

This week at his 3 year well checkup he was 35 pounds and 39 inches; between 75-80% on the charts so we are considering that a win! I’m not just saying this because I’m his mom and think he’s the most awesome kid in the world but we have been told by teachers, doctors, ect that he has an great vocabulary for his age; clear enunciation, wide range of knowledge, and the excitement of a kid at Disney! I’d like to say we’ve done flashcards and watched Einstein and trained him to speak so well but…that’s not the case at all. We just talk to him, a lot. We read and play and tell stores and watch movies and this is the result. And for that excitement, he gets it from within. Oh my gosh that exuberance is hard to wrangle; as a parent I want to let him be free and expressive all the time but at the same time we have to hone it in, finding ourselves saying “calm down” 100 times before bedtime.

He’s independent every way he possibly can be right now. It may take three solid minuets but you better believe he is putting on his own jammies. He wants to put the game together, pick out his own clothes, brush his own teeth, put on his own socks, turn off the TV, and anything else that needs assistance…he wants to do himself!

He’s figuring out the 6 degrees of separation; always curious how we are all intermixed. He knows is Grammy is my mom but I’m his mommy. He’ll tell you the name he calls everyone (Pop, Grammy, Daddy) but then tell you their “other name” (Rob, Catherine, Davy). He’ll even tell you I call Davy, Honey! He’s into knowing who everyone’s mom is and quickly asked his 6 foot friend Josh “what’s your mom’s name”.

He’s finally into games! Before it’s been blocks or toys, something simple, but now it’s the year of the games. He got a few games for Christmas and we’ve been playing them daily. Hi Ho Cheerio and Diggity Dog are his favorites; he’ll help put every piece in place and patiently wait for his turn to arrive. He has even gotten into Wii sports! Sometimes he loses, sometimes he wins, but he likes playing either way.

Still loves: throwing the ball, sports, being outside, eating bananas in the morning, reading stories before bed, sucking a passy at night (ending very soon!), tackling his Daddy, jumping on the trampoline, sweet treats, eating in general, going to school, his school friend Teagen, needing his privacy in the bathroom, and being awesome!

Christmas {DIY}

Headed into the third week post Christmas I figure it’s a great time to start talking about how ours went! I knew I wanted to give gifts to Moses’ teachers but I didn’t want to be the 10^th child to hand them a coffee mug with a gift card in it. So I turned to Pinterest, crafty ladies I know, and inspiration I had picked up shopping to come up with three unique gifts. 

First up, the felt Christmas tree. Using a cuddlebug I cut out about 40 400 felt circles which I glued together in the center to resemble a tree. Then using a felter needle thingy softened up a few small felt circles to make the ornaments 3D and a nice and fluffy star. 

 

Second, a felt ball ornament. With a large glass ornament ball as the base I cut out different size felt flowers to mix and match. To finish them up I used an assortment of white buttons for the flower’s center. This present was for his college-aged class aid that is very bubbly and likes loud fun things; you could mix up the colors or design for someone more sophisticated. 

 

And lastly, for his main teacher, wooden snowman. These are a hybrid of two different similar snowmen floating around Pinterest. They are blocks of wood painted white, distressed, and dressed up. The faces are hand painted and their hats are small mittens. We ended up loving the fun simplicity of these guys and made a ton of the sets for friends and family. Each set was customized depending on the person’s favorite colors and style.

 

{three}

Laying in bed last night I was smiling at Davy talking through the play by play of events that happened 3 years ago exactly. The sausage spaghetti leftovers I so foolishly ate, the 1am shower after I figured out I was in labor, the pizza we wolfed down in our hospital room after 15 hours of labor; it all feels like yesterday. How did all of this happen in a blink of an eye?

When did those 3am scream fests end and sitting up begin?

 

 

When did crawling under the end tables become walking down the hallway on Christmas morning?

 When did the baby monitors get replaced with a wide awake kid banging on our door?

 

When did mashed up baby food and Puffs become Chick Fil A and Starbucks?

 

When did this baby turn into a toddler?

 

When did this toddler turn into a boy?

 

It’s the smiles and giggles that get me, it’s the exuberance and rowdiness that kills me and it’s the entire package that melts me. I could not be more proud of the curious, excited boy he has become. I love all the questions, all the comments, all the quarks that have come with this age. Happy Birthday to the light of my life, my son, my everything, my Moses! 

I'm backkkkk.

Hello, I’m alive. This has been the longest streak in I don’t know how long that I’ve been away. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you would know that a. I’m alive b. My stomach went through hell and back c. I just came off an unexpected 10 day stay-cation. Life is good even though it’s messy at times. 

In case you’re dying to know how Christmas was, fear not, I’ve got those posts up my sleeve. My little sister got a big fancy camera for Christmas and was our paparazzi for the occasion. Side note: if I was rich I would have a personal photographer next to us at all times for those moments my son is doing something super cute and I want to remember it when he’s 15. Anyways she took cute pictures which I fully intend on posting like they are my own. So many good stories to share from the last 2 weeks I can’t wait dive in. But for now I need to scan Pinterest for the perfect classroom cupcakes for Moses’ birthday tomorrow. Oh yeah, in case you haven’t heard my sobs from your window, my baby turns three tomorrow!!! 

On a more serious note I wanted to share my New Year’s resolution. I generally don’t have one but this has been resonating for weeks now and I wanted to get it off my chest. From struggling with the confident mom issues to some other friend issues I’ve been having a hard time finding myself. This year (and for the rest of my life) I want to try my hardest to be authentic; to be me in every situation. I want to say what I want to say how I want to say in on the blog and stay true to who I am no matter what; even if that means I’m over sharing or spilling my guts about person stuff. I want to have genuine relationships with people who want to invest in me as much as I want to invest in them. I want to keep those people in my life and purge out those who just take up space. I feel I often fill many different shoes with slightly different me’s (the mom me, the girlfriend me, the adult me) and it’s time I morph all of those into one and just be me.

Moses is one day shy of 3 years old and I’m standing a little taller after sharing my heart