160.

One hundred and sixty beats a minute and all was well in the world. Yesterday we had our first baby appointment. I should have taken my own advice weeks ago and got off the dang baby community boards because I was officially having anxiety for days leading up to the appointment; what is the sac was empty? What if there was no heartbeat? What if I can’t trust Gods plan even after telling myself 1,000 times to relax? In all honesty this is the justified reason I’ve come up with; because so much love is riding on this. When we had Moses we were young and scared and had no idea how it would feel loving your child; how your heart could burst open with so much joy. But now we know and we want so desperately to be able to love this little one outside of the womb.

For those who have gone down baby lane know the first appointment is the longest possible one in history just in case you needed an hour and a half more to worry until you get to have the ultrasound.  Fun fact: also my first time “seeing the light” while getting my blood drawn....all the way down to the loud ringing in your ears, inability to open your eyes, slumping down into the chair, and then soaking your clothes with sweat.  Just in case people didn’t know I was there, they did now. But you know what? None of it mattered once we saw the perfect sac, our perfect baby, and that perfect heartbeat.

You made beautiful things out of dust

And in only the most perfect way He knows how to create people out of love.  Our little love bean flickering away in there while we sit plastered with smiles on our faces.

Jesus Freak.

Riding around in the car while growing up I remember blaring DC Talk and Point of Grace and singing at the top of our lungs. Putting Jesus Freak on repeat over and over while dancing around cleaning the house. I remember going to what felt like every church event ever held on top of Wednesday night bible study and Sunday church. When we got hurt my mom prayed we would feel better; when my mom couldn’t find her keys she prayed God would help her remember where she put them. For Halloween I wasn’t dressed as a ghost worrying about needles in candy but I was at church dressed in some ridiculously clever biblical costume my mom designed. My mom was sold out for the Lord and did everything she could to teach her daughters the same. At what price did she leave the judgment of the world at the door and stand tall for what was right for her family? I’m sure there was much cooler music she could have been listening to and I’m sure there were times she wanted a big fat glass of wine after a hard day but she put her what was most important to her first and that was her relationship with Christ and instilling Christ in our lives.

You know how it’s true that you never understand your parents love until you become a parent yourself…I’m pretty sure that’s reinstated 12 different ways as you grow as a parent. The selflessness, the sacrifice, the commitment it takes every single day. I’m blown away by my mother’s love and not only teaching us biblical truth but being a living example. Proudly, a Jesus Freak.

All my delight is in you, Lord.

Surreal, but in a wonderfully incredibly happy way; this is finally happening! I was reading someone else’s blog and they talked about having a Bible verse they clung to during each of their pregnancies; I hadn’t thought much about it again until the day I tested and officially knew. I unofficially knew days before because sore parts of my body screamed something is different!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 37:4

It hit me like a ton of bricks, like God washed over me with peace and joy; you’ve delighted in Me and here is one of the biggest desires in your life. Bam. Boom. It’s happening.

How I’m feeling: weird. I want to skip hop jump and be myself but I’ve been feeling blah for days now. Lost my drive to exercise and I’m super tired especially at night. Emotionally I’m slightly disconnected but trying desperately to get it together. I don’t want to be hormonal or unavailable emotionally so I’m hoping this is just a wave. Speak of waves, I’ve been getting waves of nausea at night which are not fun in the slightest.

How I’m acting: like I have a big secret and I’m scared to talk to anyone in fear they will guess. So silly, I know, because we’re ecstatic and want to tell people…just not yet.

Because I can’t talk to anyone during the day about this I’ve turned to some baby communities online to check in and chat with other ladies which have turned out to be maybe not the best idea. I feel like communities either have 1. Women who’ve been trying for so long and talk the initial lingo like perfect English (AF, BFP, BFN, BB, ect, ect, WTH?) or 2. Women who have it all together and all planned out and giving baby names at 4 weeks or 3. Sad stories and extreme nervousness. Number three is the worst; I can’t live like that. I have to trust that God has a plan and I have to put my trust in Him daily. If I were to start reading or worrying too much I would make myself sick. This baby is God’s and He has literally gifted to Davy and I to take care of on Earth—so why freak out when he already knows every minute detail of this baby’s life?

Vacationing {as parents}

This is pretty much how it goes vacationing post children.

Week of: packing lists, don’t forget his special bedtime book for Grammy’s house.

Day of: WAA HOOO vacation time!! Can’t wait to be on the road, have a weekend away, waa hooo. Peace out Moses, love you! Kiss kiss, be good, bye bye.

Vacation day 1: We have arrived!! Look at all the shops! Look at all the people! King size bed on the top floor, cha ching! I love the view, I love this town, I love you hubby. Try to connect with all the other friends arriving for the destination wedding weekend.  Eat yummy overprice lunch food. Shop at the Gap even though we have one it’s just more fun that it’s standing alone on a street full of other cool shops. Shop some more. Eat some more ($3.5 cupcakes to be exact). Straighten hair, redo makeup, and get all ready for the ghost tour. Vacation!!

Vacation day 2: 815am and we’re both wide awake staring at each other like what the heck do you do after you sleep in til 8? Hold hands, smile because there is 80% less people on the streets, and find Starbucks. Starbucks next to Panera? Breakfast heaven. Time to get ready for event #2; ugh—yeah not going to straighten my hair because I’m lazy. Back from event, laying on the bed, wahh I don’t want to move because I’m on vacationnnn.  My feet hurt from last night. Time to get ready for event #3? The wedding ? Crap, I have to do the whole get ready again? Yoga pants are not okay? Hello dry shampoo. Wake it up—it’s go time.  Wedding emotion is incredible. The event itself is spectacular. I love all the love. It’s 10pm and I’m exhausted. I’m so old. We both agree- we miss Moses

Vacation day 3: We get to see Moses today!! Pack our bags, get frustrated at everyone else taking over Starbucks (how dare they!), and get on the road. Sleep, sing, and argue over who gets to hug Moses first. I explain I’m going to hug kiss hug hug kiss kiss kiss squeeze his tooshie and hug some more.

Post vacation: laundry, laundry, publix, laundry, waahhh I wish we were still on vacation. Let’s call in sick tomorrow suggests Davy. Let’s have a family day. Must work. In bed at ten.

Watch out, life is crazy post children…you just wait!

Killing me.

I want to bottle up this age and pull it out when he’s 8 and annoying and his feet smell even worse than they do now. It’s the full vocabulary mixed with the curiosity and a splash of phrase regurgitation that kills me (every time I say something kills me I think of ol’ Holden Caulfield from Cather in the Rye…anyone else?).

He tries to butter us up. Comes to give us a big hug or says I love you with a big smile on his face then immediately asks if he can have chocolate.  
He mimics my overdramatic response when showing me his latest creation or rooting us on.

His excitement for surprises is worth surprising him every day. It could be a new DVD I bring home, his favorite cup filled with milk, a trip to the ice cream store, a trip to Grammys—he is equally excited for everything.

His biblical knowledge; between school, church, and reading Bible stories before bed he retains bits and pieces of so many different stories then will randomly blurt them out when relating one thing to another. For whatever reason this past Easter he heard about Lazareth also being in a tomb and was so frustrated trying to separate the two stories. Then anytime I mention something will be 3 days long he says “that’s how long Jesus was in the tomb!” I grew up going to church my entire life and loved learning scripture as a child. I can’t wait for him to remembering verse references along with the story.

Even after months of dressing himself how proud he is to run in and show me his completed outfit. This month he’s started putting on his own socks and Velcro shoes; he wants to be able to tie his Chucks but I’m not ready to teach about bunny ears!

He is deathly afraid of the Chick Fil A cow. He stood up at school and volunteered for a clown trick yet he can’t stop shaking when he sees the cow. He keeps telling me when he’s 4 he’ll touch the cow but I highly doubt that’s going to happen.

The fact that he thinks your chest is strictly called your nipples. Just this morning he’s explaining to me how sharp a cheetah’s teeth are and how they can rip your nipple right off. I really hope I don’t run into a cheetah today.

One day I’m going to sit him down and have him just talk into the camera for hours because the voice, the words, the phrases…I know they will all be gone soon and my little boy will be a stinky sweaty teenager. Yuck!

(read: life)

Can we just call it a summer break and pretend I’m not the worst blogger ever? Remember how I used to post once, twice, three times a week? Ha! To be fair I have typed out a few blogs, then lost one, then the second one didn’t make sense without the first one, and then I’ve left the walls bare for far too long.

This silence isn’t due to depression or a new jet setting life—it’s due to a heck of a lot of changes both literally, emotionally, mentally, and all those gray areas in between.

Here’s a recap because at this point I need to stop feeling like crap I’ve abandoned my space on the internets and move on.

June—we find out mid June we need to find a new place to live in 5 weeks. We freak out. Money’s tight. It’s about to get tighter. We freak out some more, have little “what are we doing with our life” crisis, and decide to move 2 weeks later. We decide living simpler is not that big of a deal as long as we have each other (read: we move into a place with no yard and that is literally half the size of our old place). In the end we are about 2 miles from our old place and saving money—who would have thought, certainly not us.

July- I take a 6 day road trip with my mom and younger sister all the way up to Philadelphia for a family reunion. Favorite driving memories: eating, talking, listening to The Wedding on CD, eating, visiting Raleigh for the 4^th, eating, visiting Trader Joes for the first time and understand why people are kookoo for those Hawaiian shirt hippies, and eating. I loved seeing family, I hated driving through a hail storm on the Capital Beltway, and I missed my boys about day 4.

Get home to a house that isn’t mine and have a mini freak out again; what I’m I doing here. We seriously consider a lifelong dream of moving to France for year only to find out that’s going to be highly unlikely until we buckle down on the books for a few years or save enough money to not work the entire time we’re there (read: win the lottery).  

Emotional and internal start to change around our house and this becomes my new mantra: this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Boom.

August- I turn crappy Saturdays Davy has to work into Adventure Days for Moses and I and we gallivant around town spending money on crack (read: Starbucks) and doing fun things together. Even the days Davy is home we still like to get out of the house and live. Davy’s work situation is at an all time awfulness and I’ve gained back a few pounds for simply pretending food consumption doesn’t count during the summer but oddly we’re finding so my joy. Our marriage is stronger than ever, my love for Moses is an oozy overflowing mess, and amongst muck there is joy, so much joy!

Imagine a small fort with flames being thrown toward it and evil people banging on the walls trying to knock them over. Inside that fort is us, our little family of 3, just skipping around having a good time. Occasionally a fire ball gets over the wall and knocks us down; turns our mood all mucky and we have a lapse in faith.  If we let it manifest on the inside and grow bigger and bigger then forget about it, our fort would fall apart and things would turn to crap—so instead we’re trusting God (you know, the one who built the fort walls out of steel) to take care of us.  

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Long Live Summer

Long Live Summer is a Multi-week summer themed photo sweepstakes from Shutterfly with instant win prizes! You could even win a trip for four to The Bahamas and a professional photo shoot so you’ll remember your vacation forever, how cool is that?
All you need to do is upload your favorite photo and caption based on the theme of the week.  Get a gift from Shutterfly just for entering! You can enter at any point during the 5-week sweepstakes period.

PHOTO THEMES

• Week 1(7/9): Americana - ended
• Week 2 (7/16): Great Outdoors - ended
• Week 3 (7/23): Water Fun – current week
• Week 4 (7/30): Sports & Activities
• Week 5 (8/6): Parties & Celebrations

Moses LOVES playing in the water and I love it too because I know he'll stay cool while playing around in the HOT Florida summer heat. I don't think we're ready for swim lessons yet but I know the day is quick approaching. For now it's mostly backyard fun with slip n slides or kiddie pools!

PRIZES

• Instant win prizes just for submitting a photo!
• Weekly prizes (contestants can enter one time/week)
• Weekly featured photos: up to 5 weekly entries will be selected from the gallery and featured on the Facebook fan page.
• Grand prize: trip for 4 to Bahamas, 4 nights, family photo shoot

http://bit.ly/sweepS