twentyfive.

A peace that surpasses all understanding.
Today, standing in the kitchen washing a sink full of dishes, I understood that saying for the first time in my life. Surpassing all understanding, meaning I don’t understand. A peace, which I don’t get, is going beyond everything I don’t understand and calming me. Not that it’s not sad, not that I haven’t mourned or cried, but inside there is a peace. People say the cliché phrases like “he’s in a better place” and “he’s at peace”, but he truly is no longer suffering here on earth. No one knows his heart, I pray his heart was softened into eternity, but at least he is no longer fighting every day to be here on earth.
All the preparation and talking doesn’t matter when I’m sitting in the fax room and here Davy’s voice on the other end. So many times I played out that phone conversation in my head, imaging how I would feel and what we would do. When the actual phone call came I didn’t think it would be “the call”…. It was.
Today it’s easier, easier for everyone. It comes in waves. The pictures aren’t getting me as much as the memories. When I think about what is actually happening, it gets me. Right now it’s still so fresh. So many people, and so much food, o the constant state of fullness! Monday will be tough, next week when something reminds me of him and I bust into tears will be hard, but eventually this abnormal will start to sound more normal. The previous sentence doesn’t even make sense yet!
I know he’s not in pain, but I still miss him. The pain is knowing he won’t be at the house tomorrow, or next week. He won’t be in a tux in November or on the bench at Moses’ little league games. I have to think on a non selfish level and understand he was hurting so much; to wish he would continue on (in pain) would only cause me joy.
I know this is super sad. I wasn’t trying to be sad. I definitely don’t want to go into anything morbid. I don’t want to offend or upset, I just felt like opening up. I’m not blogging because I’m trying to push it deep down or not share in person- I just needed to be honest and open tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new wave.