Update from Busyland

(Please note I'm not longer number titling my blogs... way too hard to look back at something!)

I have not blogged in weeks… reason being: I’VE BEEN BUSY! Too busy to blog? YES! I like not being bored, but too busy is tough too! Biggest thing keeping me busy:



WEDDING! 7(ish) weeks until the wedding and we are trying to complete everything in a timely manner. Who knew it would take an entire day to collect jars, fabric, set up, and order candy for a candy buffet! Just little things like decorations and table placement and bows and materials; the list could go on forever! I’m still excited but I understand now why brides say “I’m so happy it’s over”. It’s a one day party 8 months in the making! I’m sure if I didn’t have any other distractions things could have been done by now, but with baby, husband, work, moving, life…. It’s dragging! I’ve even resulted to making certain days of the week “wedding days” and “moving days” and on “moving day” I can’t work on wedding and visa versa. I’m physically feeling stress and this ongoing sickness could be the result of that.

(I started the blog this morning and had to wait hours before picking it back up….. I WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND SCREAM!)

Ok wow sorry, lots of built up emotion for no good reason : )


In other news:
Moses has taken a total of four consecutive steps. He stands great by himself but the past week or 2 he’s been working on moving around standing up. He “surfs” the ottoman and has no fear of falling. Davy and Moses “practice” by standing Moses up a few feet away from Davy and holding something very enticing, like a passy. At first Moses would get excited then drop to his knees to crawl but now he stands for a long while trying to get that first leg off the ground. He can move one and then will normally plop over but a few times he’s been able to stay stable enough to pull the other leg up for a second step. His record is 4 steps then falling into Davy’s lap. I’m sure by the wedding he’ll be walking around. The night he took his first step we went out to Target and bought him new shoes! They are the soft (er) sole Velcro strap tennis shoes and he looks so cute in them! I wanted to make sure he could practice moving around in them before he started regularly walking barefoot. I’m excited around him moving around more but not trying to pressure him. He already moves around so well I’m scared what a walking Moses could do! He likes to do things at his own pace and I will continue to let him do so!

I’ve finally updated Facebook with some new pictures and promise (yeah, right) to do so on here soon! It was the first time in 2 months I was able to upload pictures (busy, busy, busy) and promised myself I would start taking and uploading on a regular basis. Plus blogs with pictures are more fun to look at : )


Here's one picture that has nothing to do with this blog but I miss my friends.

twentynine.

I want:
To be more lady like. I’m not speaking of dotting your I’s and crossing your T’s, but more graceful in the way I come across. The way I hold my tongue and speak of others.
More printed shirts. Well this rant could be summed up in a want to be fashionable again. I feel like at one point in my life I had cute clothes and good fashion sense, but now with my baby weight gain (we can just call that being overweight since my “baby” is 8 months old now) I’ve let myself go. All my work clothes are become worn and saggy and when I’m not in work clothes I never want to wear things that I need to be sucked and tucked into. Therefore I resort to things that cover my belly and the same ol’ pair of jeans. I’d like the think it’s not for outward appears and peoples approval but more so the approval of myself. To feel good in how I look. To look in the mirror and love it… and that goes to my next topic:
To get fit. Blah blah I say it all the time, but I want the drive to stop making excuses and eating sweets or junk food. I want to be serious. I’ve been searching for a used jogging stroller to buy that way I can eliminate Moses as an excuse.
To feel 21, and act it sometimes. With our busy lives and early morning work, I feel I have become old (too scared to throw out a number). We sit at home most nights and even when we go out I get tired too quick and act boring. I want to be fun, and act fun, and have fun! I know my life is not “normal” for most 21 year olds, but I have still be married and have a child and have a good time (for time to time).
To be more creative. With pictures, with editing, and with crafts. This subject and the clothes could also all fall under:
To be more trendy. Why can’t I push the limits and my resources?

I have:
THE BEST little boy. It’s funny when you hear people talk about their kids as if they were the coolest thing since slice bread. But Moses really is the coolest thing since slice bread. He baffles and amazes us on a daily basis. We could sit for hours falling over each others words saying “look at this” or “watch this”.
An incredible husband. I get a little nutty sometimes, and he can handle that. He cooks better than I do and has no problem putting us first. He’s my goofy other half.
Enough. As much as I want, I have enough to keep me happy and pay the bills.

twentyeight.

Weaning.

The time has come where I slowly put away the pump and the Bobby and officially wean Moses. This week is my first week I’m making an effort to slowly decrease my milk supply. My first step- pumping twice instead of three times a day. I know it’s a little step, but I wanted to start somewhere. I’ve read different articles saying to start by cutting their least favorite feedings, but since Moses is at day care all day, that seemed a little tricky. I know his favorite (well, my favorite) nursing times are when I come home from work, and before bed. At times this task seems easy and in the long run save me a lot of trouble. But at the same time, I’m really going to miss it! At first we had trouble with nursing and I had to have tons of pillows and it was a big ordeal and he would really hurt me. But over time we’ve worked out a pretty good system and I enjoy the bonding time we have together. I love the way his little hand pats my chest or reaches up and put his hand over my mouth politely asking me to stop talking while he enjoys his milk. It instantly sooths when he has a big fall and quicker than any bottle around. Originally I didn’t plan to wean this early, but Davy and I have decided to take a week long cruise for our honeymoon at the end of November. I wanted to make sure he was weaned and my body was back to “normal” before the wedding and honeymoon, so I’m starting this month. I’m not sure who will miss it more, him or I. Thankfully with daycare and me working he is used to formula and if he had to drink it all day it wouldn’t irritate him stomach. I’ll keep the blog updated as the decrease continues. I’m hoping its going to be as easy as I imagine it being!

twentyseven.

I'm terrible about putting up pictures, so here are a few from a "6th month" shoot Sarah did 1 1/2 months ago! It was the day Moses started to come down with something, so he didn't feel like smiling much at all. Of course he picks the one day we go to the park for pictures to stop acting like the goofy smiley boy he is! (for some reason my font option is gone....)

twentysix.

One week today. It doesn’t feel like the worst Friday in the world happened 7 days ago. The weekend flew by and so has the week. It’s starting to sink in, but not fully. I know as certain events come up (birthdays, anniversaries, the wedding) his presence will be missed much more. It’s hard to see grieving family and not be able to reach out and make it better. It takes time, but I wish I had a time machine and could make it all better. One things for sure, he will never be forgotten .

Everyone seems to be leaving us. Not only death, but moving away. I think it’s actually starting to sink in that two of my best friends are moving away. I don’t get much hang out time as it is, but when I do, I like to spend it with them. I know I can always call them, but seeing them and hearing their day to day personalities I’m going to miss terribly. I think I’m going to miss Melissa more because I know she’s not coming back. Back to visit, but she will never live across town again. Then there is always the possibility she will be in another country. People are moving on and moving away and I’m still here. In Tallahassee, stagnant. I do not have a problem with living here; I love being surrounded by family, but friends are starting to become sparse.

I’ve needed to portrait something recently and I could never find a way to express it until now. The other day I was blog surfing and came across the perfect excerpt. A new mom was saying she was not feeling complacent, and that’s exactly how I feel. Let me first give a disclaimer that I’m not a depressed unhappy person. I love my family, my husband, my baby, but at the same time I’m feeling lost of my own self identity. I’ve got into a grove of day to day life and pushed Caroline aside. I don’t feel life needs to be all about me, but at the same time I need to make sure I still feel like myself, and be able to define who ‘myself’ is. I’m a wife, a mom, student, a coworker, but who am I when I’m alone? What do I enjoy doing? It’s complicated because I’m not necessarily trying to find hobbies to fill my free time, but fine simple day to day things that define me, and make me happy. I want the inside to be bursting outward. When my children are grown or don’t “need me” anymore I don’t want to be walking around aimlessly having a mid life crisis. I want to be satisfied with my relationship with the Lord, my husband, my friends, my family. I want to know them and for them to know me.

Speaking of hobbies, I think Davy and I are going to take a beginners dance class. It’s just a 5 session class that teaches the basics of different dance genres. We are doing it solely to not look like idiots on our wedding day. We can “booty” dance, but that’s about it. I want us to look somewhat graceful during the slow songs. And if I enjoy it, I might even take up personal lessons for some outside enjoyment. I pass a dance studio every day after work and love watching the people dancing. I want to branch out and I think it’s a good way to try something new.

Speaking of new (wow, that is getting long), here is some stuff Moses is doing lately:
1. blows “raspberries” aka toot noises on any bare skin he can find! I’ll be holding him and all the sudden this loud embarrassing noise comes sounding off my arm. He thinks it’s so funny!
2. puts his lips in “whisle form” for no reason at all. He will make an “o” with his lips and just look at you. I’m not sure if he is just gaining control of those muscles or the wind in his mouth feels foreign to him, but he does it all the time now.
3. eating plenty of baby food. I started making my own food and he seems to enjoy everything I’ve mashed up so far. We have not tried any table food yet because I’m too afraid he will choke, but in time he will be eating everything I’m sure.
4. stands up by himself for long periods of time. Before we would have to hold him up then let go of his hands to make him stand alone, but now he will just crawl up to something, stand up, then let go.
5. he claps all the time. I tried to “Pavlov dog” him into every time I say “yay” he claps, and for the most part it works. He will even stand stationary and clap…it’s adorable!
6. he will be 8 months old next week and I’m shocked! I will continue to say it for the rest of his life, but he’s growing up so fast.

twentyfive.

A peace that surpasses all understanding.
Today, standing in the kitchen washing a sink full of dishes, I understood that saying for the first time in my life. Surpassing all understanding, meaning I don’t understand. A peace, which I don’t get, is going beyond everything I don’t understand and calming me. Not that it’s not sad, not that I haven’t mourned or cried, but inside there is a peace. People say the cliché phrases like “he’s in a better place” and “he’s at peace”, but he truly is no longer suffering here on earth. No one knows his heart, I pray his heart was softened into eternity, but at least he is no longer fighting every day to be here on earth.
All the preparation and talking doesn’t matter when I’m sitting in the fax room and here Davy’s voice on the other end. So many times I played out that phone conversation in my head, imaging how I would feel and what we would do. When the actual phone call came I didn’t think it would be “the call”…. It was.
Today it’s easier, easier for everyone. It comes in waves. The pictures aren’t getting me as much as the memories. When I think about what is actually happening, it gets me. Right now it’s still so fresh. So many people, and so much food, o the constant state of fullness! Monday will be tough, next week when something reminds me of him and I bust into tears will be hard, but eventually this abnormal will start to sound more normal. The previous sentence doesn’t even make sense yet!
I know he’s not in pain, but I still miss him. The pain is knowing he won’t be at the house tomorrow, or next week. He won’t be in a tux in November or on the bench at Moses’ little league games. I have to think on a non selfish level and understand he was hurting so much; to wish he would continue on (in pain) would only cause me joy.
I know this is super sad. I wasn’t trying to be sad. I definitely don’t want to go into anything morbid. I don’t want to offend or upset, I just felt like opening up. I’m not blogging because I’m trying to push it deep down or not share in person- I just needed to be honest and open tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new wave.

twentyfour.

I want to take more pictures. I love photography. I used to take more creative pictures and enjoy photoshopping. Once everyone around me got more involved and became more skilled than me, I kind of lost my love for it. I guess I just started to enjoy looking and lusting after theirs and not even bother trying to pull out my camera. I was browsing blogs and saw someone who took a picture of their little kid at each “month” birthday in a cute numbered onsie and I wish I would have done that! I still regret not getting those newborn shots of Moses, although I was such a emotional mess I don’t know how I would have been able to handle it. I need to get back into it. Even if it’s just snapping one each day or capturing the littlest moment, it needs to happen. I have so many I’ve never posted or touched because I’m so obsessed with finishing them just right I get too distracted and overwhelmed at the project. I’m promising myself by next Friday I will have uploaded, minimally touched up, and printed new pictures! Mark my words!
P.S. Moses got some 6 month pictures taken my aunty Sarah that I need to get and post. I was so mad he was at the beginning of being sick/not sleeping so he wasn’t very happy and smiley like he normally is, but his shirt is just so dang cute I hope at least one turned out!
P.P.S. I have the BEST photo wall art project I’m going to tackle once Wedding planning is out of the way ( I say it like I don’t LOVE IT). It will take planning and time and decent money, and the last thing I want is to rush it. O I can’t wait to post picture of it next year ; )