Yes, Moses was our little surprise but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him as much as I would if he was “planned”. God’s plan is so much bigger than my mapped out live-college-life-get-masters-get-phD-have-my-office-door-say-Dr.-Caroline-and-have-really-nice-leather-shrink-couch plan.
I can’t imagine life any different than happily married with a toddler. My heart would literally explode if I could even begin to express the deep love I have for my son and life so why do I doubt? Because I can’t get past people’s opinions. I have built up these walls of insecurities that keep me from being the room mom or doing more “mommy things” I’d like all because I’m afraid. It may sound silly to some and dead on for others.
My resolution: To break down the walls, to jump in feet first, to prove them wrong. I am a good mother. Now I need to let myself accept that.
I am a good mother.
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2 comments:
I love this post because I'm in the same shoes! And now when I go out with both boys or am talking on the phone and giving their birthdays to someone I feel like I have double judgement because clearly I got knocked up and then moronically got knocked up again like a teenager pregnant Mom or something. I really felt it at the hospital with Elijah. When I'd talk with the nurses about having a 14 month old at home too I'd get these crazy looks and judgement (and one nurse was really mean), but usually after they'd been my nurse for the 12 hour shift they got to know me and saw I was more mature than whatever their impression of a 22 year old was and genuinely loved my babies and cared about them more than anything else. I was holding them when they came in not texting or drinking or whatever they thought I was like as a Mom. It can be SO discouraging. Especially when they release stats like they did this year that say US births were low in 2011 and the lowest group was early-mid 20 year old women. They say you don't feel fully confident as a woman until your 30s and I feel like that could maybe be true... it's confidence I struggle with around other older Moms. I know I'm a good Mom. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm not an annoying little kid, but I feel like they need me to prove it to them. But maybe if I was more confident I wouldn't feel they feel that way at all. So hard, right? All that to say I totally understand where you're coming from in this and my resolve is the same!
As someone who planned my children I have to comment 1) alot of time we make our plans but those plans are not God's plans. 2) I have seen other moms pass judgment on moms who had children at an early ages and I HATE that! Why in the world would anyone want to make someone who already feels insecure feel more insecure!! I think it is horrible. Having said that I think you need to forget all your inhibitions and stooping considering what other people think of you. You are a wonderful mother and you have no reason to think otherwise. cyber High Five!
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