When the dog bites, when the bee stings.

I never thought I would be here. In this place of jealousy and guilt sinking further down practically every day. I’m a working mom. There is no exclamation mark at the end of that sentence because I’m not shouting if from the rooftops or singing it with joy. It’s just life. I work because we need the insurance and the income. I don’t work because my job is glamorous or approval outside the home is needed; I work to provide. Some days I’m okay with this. I know Moses is in a great daycare learning and growing and having fun. I know my bills are paid and my family’s bellies are never empty but sometimes that’s not enough. Lately I have been feeling heavily burned with guilt that I’m not a homemaker. In all honesty Moses doesn’t know any different; Mommy and Daddy go to work and I go play with my friends and sleep on a mat then I go home and play with my parents. But I want more.

I want to be the one he plays with during the day, I want to be the one teaching him new things, I want to the one who sees him go to the big boy potty first. Not only do I want to be home with him but I want to be the homemaker of my home. (Most) Women pride themselves on a clean home, beautiful décor, and a warm inviting place for guest; I’m lucky if all the laundry gets done and the kitchen table isn’t piled high with stuff. Having four hours each night to take classes, cook dinner, play with Moses, clean the house, and decorate just isn’t enough! I long for more.
I long for days of doing all the homework and making pretty holiday decorations and meeting friends at the park and going to the library for music time and folding cloths while watching Oprah and all of it. Some days when these thoughts are stronger than others I try to stuff them down and wish them away but honest to goodness the devil gets to them first. He has a way of taking one thought and twisting it into an entire head filled with guilt and jealously. He makes me feel in-complacent and a failure. For instance Monday was rough and I was feeling really down but yesterday my thoughts were renewed; then today I went to a big consignment sale and it knocked me down on my knees. Seeing all the mommies with their strollers and friends acting so happy to be out shopping all while I hustled around in work heels knowing I had a one hour lunch break to shop. Leaving I saw a group of younger moms my age and I almost burst into tears. Why can’t that be me?
I never thought I would be a working mom but life takes a lot of turns you don’t think are coming. So far all the turns in my road (and I’ve had BIG turns) have turned out to be incredible however I don’t understand where this one is going. I need to be content where life has our family but it’s hard. It’s only a season but when will this season end? I was hesitant of even posting this because it’s such an emotional subject for me however I hope other working moms can relate and share how they’ve overcome this guilt.