fifteen.

I’m not ready for him to go. I’ve only been a daughter-in-law for 5 months, I’m not ready to say goodbye. Moses hasn’t even said Grandpa yet, he hasn’t even seen Moses and Alex play T ball or baseball. He hasn’t seen Davy all dressed up in his tux or all his grandkids. I knew the cancer would take him one day, but I thought we had more time. I want to have more time. I’m not ready. And as much as I’m not ready, I can’t imagine how he feels. Knowing this is nearing the end, this will kill him and it’s only a matter or time. I don’t understand why God does this to people. How can people want to say You are Lord and you’re in charge at the same time the cancer is eating away their body. If anything this makes angry towards God because they don’t understand, I don’t understand. I’m not ready. I’ve been prepping myself saying things like when not if but now that the end is nearing inside feels like a mess. Not only am I not ready for this day to come, but I’m not ready for the days to follow. How is this going to affect the family? Will people ever be able to bounce back? Be okay after X amount of time… I’m not ready. Is it time for him to accept Him? Not that I can even comprehend forever, but I don’t want to think I’ll forever never see him again…. I’m not ready, but maybe He is?

fourteen.

Two weekends ago we went to Destin to stay with my mom and little sister for her spring break. Moses hates the car so much we were really anxious about the 2 ½ hour car ride! We spoke with a doctor friend of ours who told us a little medicine cocktail to give him that would make him sleep like a baby. We felt really guilty for drugging him but knew if we didn’t he would just be miserable for hours. The cocktail worked and we had a sleeping baby the entire way to Destin. The weather wasn’t the best, lots of wind and chilly at times, so we never made it down to the beach with Moses. He did however get into the pool for the first time! The water was freezing but he didn’t seem to mind. We played in the pool for just a few minutes and then back upstairs to get warm. The condo had a big whirlpool so with our bathing suits still on we got into the tub and turned the jets on. Moses loved the “warm pool” and just leaned back and floated until his fingers pruned! Overall the weekend was fun and I can’t wait to take more beach adventures this summer when he’s old enough to face the windy beach! (I know I’m almost two weekends behind, but I’ll catch up soon with more pictures!

thirteen.

Today I’m feeling bummed. Bummed that I’m not at the park or on a play date with Moses. I think reading Matt Logelin’s blog too much has caused me to become sad of all the moments I’m missing with Moses. Watching him play with Verity at church yesterday was the first time I’ve ever seen him interact with another baby and I wish I could give him so many more of those play times. I know he’s in good hands, and he sees Beau (8 months old) twice a week at Danyell’s, but I just wish I could be more of a mother. I understand why I need to work, I get it, but am I put in this situation and not the same situation as so many of my other peers who get to be stay home moms…. Even part time stay at home mom would satisfy me. Would if we don’t have anymore kids and this is the only time I’m ever going to experience our child at age 3 months and 1 day? Today I’m feeling bummed.
On a different note, things I’m looking forward to. July 4th weekend going to the family reunion. The family seems to mesh well, as long as we all keep our respective distance after a day or so- so the idea of having all the husbands and kids coming to the reunion is going to be so much fun. Plus I’ve never been (or at least don’t remember) Nashville, hopefully we can find some extra activities to do besides reunion planned events. I’m also really excited about Mother’s Day next month! I remember last Mother’s Day only being a 10 or so weeks along and no one really knew so when they had all the moms stand up to be honored at church, I thought about it, but didn’t dare make it known yet. So this year I can’t wait to proudly stand as it being my first official Mother’s Day. And the last thing, which seems like so far away, is the wedding in November! We have been talking about it for so long already, but so much of the planning and deposits and finalizing has to be done! And then what comes after the wedding, the cruise! Oh I need to chill out because we still have 6 months, but I’m SO EXCITED about everything coming up!
I need to seriously jump drive some pictures from my laptop to add to these blogs, Moses is cuter than ever!

twelve.

I wish more of my friends where pregnant/ having babies right now. It’s hard I only have a couple married friends which none are even thinking of kids right now. I read my friend’s blog and see how she has all these friends with babies and they have play dates and do things together and I’m jealous of those relationships that are so easy for me to relate to. I know my girlfriends love Moses, but they aren’t moms yet, and can’t relate to so many things I want to discuss or get advice on. I want to talk about details that only new mom’s care about. I crave those relationships but at the same time, I work full time and I would never have the time to make play dates or have those conversations.
It’s tough being torn between the life of a stay home mom or the life of college and full time career mom. Of course right now I don’t have any option but to work full time and so its not that hard to pick, but just talking in the future and having to decide what I want to do. I love the thought of having a fulfilling career and researching and exploring things I enjoy, but at the same time, I want to be able to pick up Moses from school and be at his games and cook dinner for Davy and be a good housewife. What job starts at 8 and gets over at 3, and is in the field of psychology? That’s the job I need! One positive thing I see for the future is when Moses graduates high school, I’ll be 38! To me, 38 is definitely a young enough age to go back to work or explore different areas of my career….. life isn’t over after 40 either, so I have hope for the future!
I don’t want to be that mom that thinks her baby is so advanced and better than all the other babies. When I talk about Moses’ progression it’s simply because it fascinates me and I love to see him growing up. The only time I ever see babies close to him age are for 10 minuets at church on Sunday’s so in reality I don’t even know how he compares to other babies, but as far as soon! I can tell (according for our baby book) he’s not lacking in anything!
He’s such a droller! Oh my gosh, he soaks through clothes and bib’s like it’s a competition! He loves to chew on his hands, or our fingers, or anything he can stuff in his mouth. We got him a RaZberry teether (looks like I giant raspberry shaped pacifier) and he likes to chew on that. He puts everything on the side of his mouth so he can press his gums hard against it. I’m happy it gives him relief but I hope he doesn’t start chomping on me anytime soon!

eleven.

I’ve been reading a bunch of people’s blogs lately and decided I would love to stay on top of my journaling just to see the progression of Moses and life instead of trying to recall all those little precious moments.
The biggest milestone this month was on the same day: Moses rolled from his stomach to back AND slept in his crib for the first time. He rolled over at Grandma’s house when I was at work ( of course I miss the first first milestone!) and then later when I got home Davy showed me if he lays down and cries long enough he will push himself over! He only did it a few times when we was angry and then a week or so later he was just cooing in the monitor so I went into his room and he had quietly flipped himself over! Jumping back to that big milestone day, I decided to put him in his crib that night because of the event that look place the night before in his bassinette. In the middle of the night he started crying (normally would only wiggle in the night) so I learned my arm over to hold his hand and all the sudden I felt his head in a weird position. He was still crying hard so I looked over and saw his body turned completely horizontal in the bassinette and his face smashed up against the side of the wall cocked in a way I knew he was in pain. I tried to push his body but he had wiggled himself so far horizontally that he was literally stuck! So I jumped up and pulled him out of the bed and just cuddled him. I felt so bad for him because I knew he was getting too big for the bassinette but just had been lazy about putting him in the bed because I didn’t want to have to get up 10 times in the middle of the night to make sure he was okay. So that night was his first night in the crib away from us. I rolled blankets up next to him and cuddled him up tight. Its been so many weeks I can’t really remember, but I know I only had to go in his room a few times to pat him. He’s now been in the bed for weeks and we go in there 2 or 3 times a night to put his covers back on him and “shhsh” him.
He is getting so big and has progressed so much its crazy to think he was only born 3 months ago. This weekend he rolled over stomach to back for the first time while Davy was trying to change his diaper on the bed. He’s also started to sit up in the “Bumbo” seat for 5/10 min. at a time and LOVES watching the TV. Nothing in particular on TV, but just the constant movements on the screen fascinates him. He also still loves to look in the mirror. In the dressing room at Target last week he was making himself smile and coo by looking at the reflection of himself smiling in the mirror! I got a picture of it- I’ll try to upload it in the blog.
When he was younger he used to just sit and stare at the big mirror above our couch that has a dark frame around it. we thought he liked the contrast of a white wall and dark frame so when he would fuss we would hold him where he could see the mirror and say “look at your frame” and he was just calm down and star!
I know this blog is jumping all over the place, it’s just I haven’t wrote all these little memories down in so long when they come to mind I want to type them out as quick as I can!

A NEW START. ten.

I wrote this when Moses was 7 weeks old. I have a few more blogs on my home computer that I will post so the last 3 months come together and somewhat flow.

Moses has started sleeping more and more during the night the past few weeks. I
never have to wake up and do a middle of the night feeding. He was going to bed
around 2 and then sleeping until 7/8 or so, but now we have slowly moved him
back until closed to 12:30/1. My first work of week was last week and by the
time Friday night came around I really wanted to sleep in Saturday. So I guess
Moses knew I needed some sleep because he slept from 12:30 to 9:30. he will
start waking up but if we put his passey in his mouth he will fall back asleep
for ten min and then wiggle around so we repeat the process. Sometimes he will
just do that for about an hour before he is actually ready to get up. Its
wonderful knowing once he goes down he’s down for the night. i can’t believe he
will be “2 months” old next Thursday! I can no longer say he’s __ old in weeks,
but now he’s months old! He’s getting so big right before my eyes.
His new
thing this week is liking us hold his hand when he goes to bed or fussy. I’ll
lay him down and grab his hand and push it up nice and close to his body. Maybe
he feels like he’s secure and not alone when we do it, but it brings him instant
comfort and I love it!

nine.

This is why I would never call myself a “blogger”, I can’t even stay consistent with blogging once a month! It’s been way too long since I updated last and I hate myself for it because there are so many little details I wish I would have wrote down while still fresh in my mind.
Biggest thing going on, 5 more day’s until Moses’ due date! Five days, less than a week, ah! We went to the doctors yesterday and I have had the same progression for three weeks in a row now. 1 cm dilated, 70% effaced, and he’s sitting around -1 pelvis station. So he’s placed himself in a nice little spot, and 70% is a good number, but for three weeks in a row now…. Come on Moses’, give us a little progression forward! I want him to come when he’s ready, and I’m not going to have them induce labor (unless medically necessary), but it just seems so discouraging that he hasn’t budged in weeks! Most people say 1st babies come later than earlier, plus I’m content with him not coming on Christmas (TOMORROW), so I guess he can just hang in there until he’s ready. When mom was pregnant with Danyell she went to the doctors and they told her o you have a while don’t worry and then that weekend sitting on the toilet her water broke and Danyell was born three weeks early- so you really never know when they’re coming!
Tomorrow or two weeks away, he’s coming regardless and I’m so excited, and extremely nervous at the same time. Because I love to have a plan and control over most situations it makes me extremely anxious knowing I will have no idea what his birthday will consist of and have no way to put it on pause or go back and do it different. I feel a little better now that most of the stuff being packed in the hospital bags is sitting on the floor in piles ready to be put in the bag, and we have a birth plan and phone list typed up ready to go. His nursery is all set up (I love it and need to learn how to post pictures on here!) and the car seat is in my car (although Davy and I are convinced we did it wrongL).
I don’t know if the emotional side has really overwhelmed me yet because it hasn’t really registered, I’m going to be a mother to someone for the rest of their life. Davy and I will be parents and take care of someone else’s life every single day. It’s a responsibility that’s completely foreign to me and I think will stay that way until the day he’s born. Someone will call my mommy and I will be someone’s hero at one point in their life. It’s a roll that you can read up and practice only so much until its reality and I’m holding him in my arms. My friend Sarah Gray keeps telling me that moment when they put them on your stomach after their born is something she will never forget and advises me to feel take in that moment and treasure it.
I could go on forever but will wait until after Christmas to update again. I promise to keep more frequent with my thoughts and details.
Who knows….the next time I sign on Moses could be here!